Secrets to Boosting Libido: Libido Isn't a "Switch." Six Preparations People Do to Regain Desire

Libido Cannot Be Increased by "Willpower." That's Why "Preparation" Works

"I want to increase my libido"—the moment we think this, we tend to rush towards "addition." We plan trips, book a nice restaurant, buy new lingerie or items, and search for exciting techniques. However, what the NYT article repeatedly emphasizes is not there.

Advice based on evidence tends to be more mundane. Sleep, stress, physical condition, cracks in the relationship, medical factors such as medication and hormones. Even after addressing these, desire is "slippery and capricious," affected by insecurities about body shape or an annoying remark from a partner. That's why many couples come to therapy citing "libido differences."

And the biggest pitfall is the assumption that "libido should turn on like a light switch." The model that sex education and romantic content often imprint—that it should naturally build up—only increases self-blame and conflict when things don't go well.

From here, based on the suggestions of sex educators and therapists featured in the article, we will translate "six 'non-standard' things people do to regain (or cultivate) desire" into an easy-to-implement form, incorporating common reactions from social media.

1) Audit What Turns You Off: Turnoff Audit (Subtract Rather Than Add)

Even though it's about regaining desire, the first step is to inspect the "causes of turnoff." Sexologist David F. Khalili recommends a "turnoff audit."

The point is to think "low libido = too many obstacles" rather than "something is missing."“too many obstacles”

For example——

• Feeling criticized

• Foreplay is rushed/monotonous

• Starting when exhausted

• Always the same "standard script"

• Worn-out pajamas, bothered by socks (even minor things are okay)

The important thing is not to make it vague personality criticism. Focus on making it specific, situational, and controllable, like "I cool down when this happens" or "It's hard to get into it in this situation," rather than "It's your fault."

Tips for Conversation(Implementing the Article's Suggestions)

• Note and discuss only "two turnoffs/two turn-ons" (too many can lead to arguments)

• Talk when not tired (not right before bed)

• Start with a compliment about the relationship (lowers defenses)

Common Reactions on Social Media (Typical Examples)

• "The idea of 'subtracting rather than adding' really resonated with me."

• "I felt relieved knowing it's okay to say 'socks turn me off.'"

• "When I did a turnoff audit, I found 'anger' before desire (crying)."
  
  
  

2) Schedule "Touch Time," Not Intercourse: Put "Containers for Intimacy" on the Calendar

"Schedule sex" is a common suggestion, but therapist Rachel Wright says there's a trap here. Many people interpret it as "8 PM = obligation for intercourse," and the pressure builds throughout the day.

So, change your mindset. Schedule "containers for physical intimacy" instead of "sexual activity."
Examples:

• Cuddle on the sofa

• Take turns massaging each other's back

• Hold hands/kiss only

• "Over-the-clothes" touch

The key here is responsive desire. Many people find that their desire builds from touch, comfort, and stimulation, even if it starts at "zero." Don't make spontaneously arising desire the only "correct" form.
(This distinction between "spontaneous/responsive" is a widely explained concept for the general public.)

Ian Kerner further suggests "mood design" that can be done on the day:

• Be gentle

• Avoid conflicts

• Reduce "clogs" like chores

• Exercise (also beneficial for sexual function)
  , while listing anti-sex factors such as

• Bringing too much work home

• Phubbing (prioritizing your smartphone)
  .

Research also suggests that phubbing can lower relationship satisfaction (initial and subsequent studies on the concept).

Common Reactions on Social Media

• "Scheduling 'containers for intimacy' instead of 'sex' is genius."

• "I'm exactly the one who dies from a sense of obligation all day."

• "Phubbing hit me so hard I put my phone down."
  
  
  

3) Remove the "Malice Filter" Towards Your Partner: Calm the Negativity Bias

Lori Davis speaks a blunt truth.
"We basically can't get 'in the mood' with someone whose way of loading the dishwasher annoys us."

Desire doesn't easily arise when you perceive your partner as an "enemy." So, what's needed is not blind forgiveness but temporarily lowering the "evaluation mode" before entering the bedroom.

Self-question examples:

• What do I like about this person?

• What am I being too harsh about right now?

• Can I leave that (just a little) outside the bedroom?

If you can't leave it, that's an important sign. Kate Balestrieri says that behind low desire, there may be a deep "block" (suppression, compliance, weak boundaries, absence of needs).

Common Reactions on Social Media

• "I thought it was about libido, but it turned out to be about 'relationship dissatisfaction.'"

• "It's hard not to bring 'evaluation' into the bedroom, but indeed."

• "I understand that when I suppress, my body rejects."
  
  
  

4) Slightly Change "Who/When/How": Monotony Can Be Broken with Technique

In long-term relationships, "familiarity" trades off excitement for comfort. As Justin Garcia from the Kinsey Institute notes, the "butterflies" feeling in early romance involves changes in neurotransmitters (like dopamine). But chasing only "excitement" is exhausting. Realistically, you can add "novelty" with small changes.

Justin Pere's suggestion is simple:

• If you're always the one waiting, occasionally initiate

• If you're always the one initiating, create a "safe space not to initiate"

• If it's always at night, try daytime or morning

Joan Price recommends observing "your comfortable time of day" for 1-2 weeks and planting intimacy there. Often, what seems like a desire issue is actually about energy, focus, and tension.

Common Reactions on Social Media

• "'Always at night' was impossible. Sometimes I can do mornings."

• "It's scary to initiate, but the word 'regain agency' resonated."

• "Changing the script = not a major overhaul, just a 5-degree shift is fine."
  
  
  

5) Engage in New Experiences "Together": Tie the Brain's Reward System to Both

Balestrieri recommends "doing new things together" before innovating sex itself. Cooking classes, new exercises, games, walks in unfamiliar towns, slightly scary movies—it's even better if they involve touch or physicality."doing new things together".

The reason is that

• novelty

• cooperation

• light physical contact

• and the vulnerability of "being clumsy together"
  occur as a set.

Garcia describes this as "hacking the reward system with adventure." It doesn't have to be grandiose like skydiving. Adding "just a little" risk or the unknown makes the brain more likely to remember the excitement as an "experience with the partner."

Common Reactions on Social Media

• "In the end, redesigning 'dates' seems most effective."

• "Being clumsy together really brings you closer."

• "I love that even though it's about sex, it first tells you to take a walk."
  
  
  

6) Stop Demanding "Feel It Now": Desire Arises from "Safety, Presence, and Body"

Emily Morse asserts this.
"The moment desire is demanded, it tends to die."

The biggest libido killer is trying to produce desire "on demand." This is where the concept of embodiment (returning to the body) comes in.

It's not about checking techniques.

• What feels good right now?

• Where is the tension?

• Is your breathing shallow or deep?

• Is there any pain or discomfort?

Desire is easily linked to "s