The Biggest Cause of Arguments Isn't the "Content" — The Power of 'How You Say It' as Shown by Psychology: A Practical Guide to Reducing Couple Conflicts

The perspective that couples most often argue not about the "content" but rather the "tone" of their communication is gaining attention. Psychologist Mark Travers points out that paralinguistic signals such as the strength of one's voice, sarcasm, and sighs can undermine a partner's sense of security and prolong conflicts more than the topics themselves (such as money, chores, or the future). In the field of research, it has been shown that avoiding an aggressive "harsh startup," incorporating attempts at repair, and the effectiveness of a "cool down"—pausing late-night unproductive discussions with a promise to resume—are beneficial strategies. On social media, there is a persistent rebuttal that "money is still the biggest issue," and practically, institutionalizing aspects like finances, chores, and future planning is essential. In the short term, addressing the "tone" is crucial, while in the long term, designing the "content" is key—tackling the issue on two levels is essential.