Children Don't Intend to Trouble Their Parents - A Pediatrician Discusses "Boundaries More Important Than Scolding"

While preparing dinner, the child asks for snacks. Even after saying, "After dinner," they repeat the request. When it's time to stop watching videos and go to bed, they cry in protest.

Even if you can handle it once, if it continues every day, parents get tired. You might wonder, "Are they doing this on purpose to trouble me?" or "Do I need to be stricter?"

In such situations, Swiss pediatrician Oskar Jenni offers a different perspective. As a father of six, he explains children's repetitive testing of rules as part of their development and learning process.

On November 13, 2026, the German news site "FOCUS online" published an excerpt from his book 'Kompass Kind. 99 Antworten, die Eltern Orientierung geben.' The discussion is not about forcing children to comply through power but about what kind of "boundaries" to set for children to grow up feeling secure.

Rules as a Guide for Children to Live Securely

For small children, the world is full of unknowns. What is safe to touch and what is dangerous, what can be done now and what needs to wait. They do not understand these distinctions from the start.

Jenni explains that boundaries, like a sense of security and connection with others, are something children need.

"No snacks before meals," "Clean up after screen time ends." When children understand the household rules, it becomes easier for them to anticipate what will happen next. For parents, it reduces the burden of renegotiating from scratch each time.

However, having rules and children immediately accepting them are two different things.

Ending play on a day when they want to play more will lead to disappointment. There's no need to erase those feelings. Adults should be there to comfort them while maintaining necessary decisions. Through such experiences, it's important for children to feel that their relationship with their parents remains stable even when their wishes aren't fulfilled.

"It's okay to cry" is different from "You can do anything"

Applying this perspective to daily life means separating feelings from actions.

For example, suppose a child starts crying the moment you tell them it's time to stop watching videos.

"You wanted to watch more, didn't you?"

Saying this is not the same as restarting the video. You can acknowledge their sadness while saying, "That's it for today."

Conversely, trying to suppress emotions by saying, "Stop crying too," to enforce a rule can complicate interactions. The discussion about ending the video turns into a conflict over crying.

Just because a child shows dissatisfaction doesn't mean the way it was communicated failed.

The goal here is not to make children comply with a smile every time. It's about supporting them so they can move on to the next action safely, even if they have feelings of disappointment.

Not all "No's" need to be enforced with the same intensity

An interesting point in Jenni's explanation is that while emphasizing the necessity of boundaries, he also values their flexibility.

Parents don't need to insist on everything they say until the end. First, consider what the restriction is meant to protect. Then, choose how to respond.

Things that can be observed without stopping

The original article gives an example of a 15-month-old child eating with their hands and making a mess on the table.

While cleaning up is hard for parents, the idea is that not all experiences of touching food need to be prohibited.

In Japanese households too, when something feels "ill-mannered," there's room to pause and consider if it's still in practice. If messiness is a problem, consider ways to adjust the environment.

Being able to propose alternative fun

To a child who wants to watch videos before bed, you can say, "We won't watch anymore today, but we can read a picture book."

The decision to end remains unchanged, but you show what can be done afterward. It's a way to avoid ending the interaction with just a refusal.

Allowing children to make part of the decision

While the time to leave the park can't be changed, they might be able to choose how to spend time after getting home.

By separating what adults need to decide from what children can decide, room is created to respect the child's will.

Below are examples of phrases adapted for Japanese households based on the original article's ideas.

"It's time to go home. You can choose the book to read at home."

The options should be ones that can be accepted no matter which is chosen. That way, parents can keep promises without strain.

Stopping immediately when necessary

In situations involving safety, such as climbing where there is a risk of falling, protection takes precedence over negotiation.

Jenni suggests that for young children, short and clear words and actions are more helpful than long, complicated explanations.

"That's dangerous. Let's get down."

After ensuring safety, find another place where they can climb and play. Understanding the desire to do something and allowing danger do not need to coexist.

The Ideal of "Gentle Parenting" Seen on Social Media and the Fatigue

Such topics are also discussed on overseas social media.

What is introduced here is not a direct reaction to the FOCUS article, but related posts and comments on "Gentle Parenting" published on Reddit. This term is generally used to describe a parenting approach that respects children's emotions and avoids relying on fear, but interpretations vary among posters.

In one thread, there was a concern that exposure to parenting information led to "never saying no," "explaining everything," and "having long discussions every time emotions are stirred," resulting in parental exhaustion.

In response, comments included sentiments like:

• Even gentle parenting requires clear rules.
• I explain, but try to convey it briefly to young children.
• Parents don't need to try to control how children feel.
• I feel guilty for not being able to do it like the theories or influencers suggest.

While there were experiences shared about "it got easier as they grew," there were also replies saying, "It's not easier even at 6 years old."

These are personal experiences and opinions, not proof of the effectiveness of parenting methods or representative of all parents' views. Still, it conveys that parents are troubled not just by how to set rules but also by the daily emotional burden.

Just Being Told "Parents Should Stay Calm" is Hard

Jenni also acknowledges that maintaining boundaries requires strength and patience, and that parents themselves can reach their limits.

When facing a child's strong emotions, parents may also feel anger or impatience. On days when they're tired after work, when dinner preparations aren't progressing, or in places where they're concerned about others' eyes, staying calm becomes difficult.

That's why simply increasing demands like "be gentler" or "be more consistent" doesn't easily lead to methods sustainable at home.

To apply the ideas from the original article to life, a perspective that reduces unnecessary conflicts before increasing rules is useful.

Is it necessary to stop here and now? Is there danger or an impact on others? Or is it largely about the parent's preference or the convenience of the moment?

To value "No's" with reasons, look for "No's" that can be avoided. This is meaningful when considering the burden on parents.

Also, consider switching roles with other adults or sharing the rules you want to uphold at home. It's a way to not leave calmness solely to one parent's mental strength.

Distinguishing Between Flexible Changes and Temporary Measures

Some might worry, "If I change a rule once decided, won't the child take advantage of it?"

However, Jenni states that not all boundaries need to be immovable. He encourages parents to question, "Is it a truly necessary 'No'?" or "Am I being stubborn?"

Rules related to safety and those that can be adjusted according to the family's schedule have different natures.

For example, even if the usual bedtime routine differs from that on a special occasion, you can explain the reason. What can be inferred from the original article is that it's more important to make parental judgment clear than to eliminate flexibility.

Trying to win or lose every time will tire both parent and child. Maintain lines with reasons to uphold, and review those that can be changed. This distinction makes daily interactions easier to continue.

Shifting Perspective from "Troublesome" to "Learning"

If you perceive every time a child tests a rule as a challenge to the parent, you'll inevitably want to counteract.

However, considering that they're still learning how the world works allows room to choose the next words.

Of course, this perspective alone won't change everything from tomorrow. There will be days of crying and days of repeating the same explanations. The difficulty varies depending on the child and the household situation.

Still, instead of solely aiming to "make them listen," you can think about "conveying what can be done and accompanying them in their feelings when it can't be done."

Even on days when you deny a child's wish, there's no need to sever the relationship.

"You wanted to play more, didn't you? But let's go home today."

Conveying these two things together becomes the starting point for a boundary with love.

Source

1. FOCUS online: Explanation by Oskar Jenni on children's boundaries and rules
   Published on November 13, 2026. Excerpt from the book 'Kompass Kind. 99 Antworten, die Eltern Orientierung geben.'
   https://www.focus.de/familie/erziehung/kinder-testen-grenzen-sie-wollen-sie-nicht-provozieren-sagt-schweizer-kinderarzt-oskar-jenni_8547ea66-650e-4433-b395-84c39cab4467.html

2. Reddit・r/AskParents: Discussion on Gentle Parenting and Parental Burden
   Referring to posts and comments about the balance between "gentle parenting" and rules, fatigue from long explanations, differences between ideals and reality, and variations in children's experiences. The SNS section is a summary in Japanese and not a direct response to the original article.reddit.com
   https://www.reddit.com/r/AskParents/comments/1rwpryg/has_gentle_parenting_made_it_harder_to_actually/