The Reality of Unwanted Relationships: The Conflict of Sex Brought by Love and Vanity

"I'm not in the mood today."

Even though I feel this way, I can't convey it to the other person. I'm tired. I don't want to be touched. But if I refuse, I might disappoint them. It might be easier to go along than to create an awkward atmosphere.

When we think about sexual relationships, we often try to understand them in terms of "consented or not." However, this doesn't reveal the person's feelings or the power dynamics between the two.

Is the "okay" I said my own choice of words, or is it something I said to avoid what might happen if I refused?

Before asking "Why didn't you say no?", it's necessary to consider whether the person was in a situation where they could safely say no.

"Lack of desire" and "lack of free consent" are not the same

A concept that helps understand this issue is "sexual compliance," used in research. It generally refers to agreeing to and participating in sexual activity despite initially lacking sexual desire. Definitions vary by study, but some limit it to voluntary participation without coercion or pressure from the partner.

It's important not to confuse "initial lack of desire" with "inability to choose freely."

Wanting to spend intimate time on your own terms and being able to stop whenever you want cannot be uniformly labeled as coercion. On the other hand, situations like "being scolded for refusing" or "being exhausted by repeated requests" cannot be considered voluntary consent based solely on superficial agreement.

A study published in 2025 involving 948 Finnish men and women found that motivations such as seeking intimacy were strongly related to positive outcomes perceived by the individual. In contrast, experiences of sexual coercion by a partner and sexual distress were strongly associated with negative outcomes.

This doesn't mean one should comply even if reluctant. Rather, it highlights the need to verify the underlying motivations and freedom of choice, even if the actions appear similar.

Fear of the partner isn't the only reason one can't refuse

Even without explicit threats, people sometimes put their feelings aside.

Wanting to please the other person. Not wanting to be misunderstood as having lost affection. Believing that one should comply if it's a partner or spouse. These feelings are tied to intimacy and a sense of responsibility, making it hard to recognize the burden oneself.

However, consideration for the partner and continuously compromising one's bodily boundaries to meet their expectations should be considered separately.

For example, when you say, "I don't want to today," it's possible for the partner to feel disappointed. The problem is using that emotion to make the person who refused take on the sexual act.

Accusing with "If you love me, you should comply." Being cold every time they refuse. Repeatedly asking until they agree. When such responses accumulate, one might comply to avoid the partner's reaction before being asked again.

The question isn't just "Was there a final word of consent?" but also "Was the option to refuse actually available?"

The misconception of "We've come this far, so I can't refuse now"

Even if one can agree to the initial invitation, feelings can change afterward. However, some people feel a significant burden in stopping midway, thinking, "I agreed once," or "I initiated it myself."

A qualitative study published in 2022 involving 40 Canadian university students revealed narratives from female participants about the perception that the responsibility to convey consent lies with women, experiences of not knowing they could withdraw consent midway, and not knowing how to communicate the withdrawal. The partner's continued requests were also cited as a background for complying with unwanted sexual acts.

Although a small-scale study, it shows that the idea "as long as initial consent is obtained, it's enough" overlooks the confusion and discomfort that can arise midway.

Going to someone's house, kissing, accepting one act—each is not a blanket permission for everything that follows.

The more intimate the relationship, the less confirmation is needed; rather, it's necessary to be open to changed feelings precisely because it's a close relationship.

Research doesn't suggest a simple "endurance recommendation"

A study published in 2024, analyzing free descriptions from 107 mainly Finnish adults, organized various impacts such as emotions, sexual desire, physical pain, and relationship satisfaction regarding experiences of complying with sexual acts without desire.

The study doesn't deal with uniform experiences. The reception varied depending on personal autonomy, communication, motivation, and relationships.

Therefore, using the fact that positive experiences are reported in research to persuade someone with "you might enjoy it once you start" is misguided. Research results from others don't justify overriding the will of the person in front of you.

Additionally, a study published in 2025 involving 1,263 U.S. university students reported a correlation between comfort in discussing sex and consent to unwanted sexual acts. However, the correlation was limited, and causality cannot be determined from a single-point survey.

It's not conclusive to say, "Everything will be resolved through discussion." In relationships where talking itself is frightening, it's necessary to focus on issues of safety and power dynamics, not just conversation techniques.

On social media, "how one is treated after refusing" is being questioned

Discussions on social media about this theme reflect concerns similar to those in research.

On the U.S. bulletin board-style SNS Reddit, a post in July 2024 asked whether it was normal to be repeatedly asked or made to feel guilty despite refusing multiple times.

Replies included experiences with partners who didn't get angry or induce guilt when refused. What was shown was not special words or skillful negotiation but a relationship where "if you're not in the mood, that will be respected."

In another post from November 2022, an opinion was expressed that if anger, cold attitudes, or guilt-inducing responses follow a refusal, it cannot be considered a situation where one can freely choose.

These are anonymous individual posts and are not independently verified experiences or surveys representing the opinion of society as a whole. They are not reactions to the original article.

Nonetheless, it's worth considering that the focus of the discussion has shifted from "how to refuse skillfully" to "how the partner treats the person who refused." Improving only the way of refusal won't create safety if that refusal isn't respected.

In Japan, "not saying no" doesn't equal consent

Public explanations in Japan also do not judge consent solely based on the absence of clear words of refusal.

The Cabinet Office explains that even if sexual acts occur in unequal relationships, situations where one cannot refuse, or situations where one cannot clearly say no, it does not mean there was true consent. It also states that sexual violence can occur between spouses or partners, regardless of gender.

Legally, with the 2023 amendment establishing crimes such as non-consensual intercourse, the difficulty in forming, expressing, and maintaining a non-consenting intention is an important requirement. The establishment of a crime is judged based on specific circumstances, so not all "reluctant experiences" can be placed in the same legal category.

On the other hand, circumstances like "dating," "being married," or "having complied before" do not negate the need for free will in the current situation.

Here, it's necessary to separate research classifications, legal judgments, and personal distress. Being classified as an "experience with consent" in a study doesn't prove the absence of distress in that experience.

What is needed is practice in "saying no" and "accepting no"

In everyday relationships, it's important not to place all the responsibility on the person refusing.

If it's a safe situation to talk, there are ways to say, "I don't want to today," "I want to stop midway," or "I want to be close, but I don't want to go further." There's no need to give lengthy explanations or provide evidence to convince the partner.

At the same time, there are things the person inviting can do.

• If refused, accept it without continuing to persuade on the spot.
• Don't conveniently interpret silence or ambiguous reactions as consent.
• If feelings change midway, stop for the time being.
• Differences in sexual desire or frequency should be discussed in a calm setting, separate from when seeking the act.
• Don't use being refused sexual acts as a reason to blame the partner.

For example, a short response like "Got it. Let's stop for today" can be a concrete way to prevent refusal from becoming the start of negotiation.

Of course, simply telling someone who was too scared to speak up "next time, say this" is not enough. It's necessary to think together about what made it difficult to refuse, rather than blaming them for not refusing.

Respecting "no" supports the meaning of "yes"

Valuing sexual consent doesn't make intimate relationships bureaucratic. It's about placing how the other person truly feels at the center of the relationship.

There's no need to always have the same desires. It's okay to feel differently today than yesterday. It's okay to want to stop even if you were initially enthusiastic.

The phrase "If you don't like it, just refuse" alone can't support that freedom. Only with experiences where one isn't blamed for refusing, doesn't need to appease, and is still valued afterward can people feel safe to express their will.

There's no need to negate past experiences with "I also complied, so..." Even if you're unsure how to process it, you can still seek advice. In Japan, the nationwide common number "#8891" connects to a one-stop support center for victims of sexual crimes and violence.

If you want to confirm the other's "yes," first reflect on whether you are valuing their "no."

Sources and References

1. stern/GEO "Ungewollter Sex: Warum ein Nein vielen so schwerfällt"
   https://www.stern.de/geo/ungewollter-sex--warum-ein-nein-vielen-so-schwerfaellt-38525974.html

2. Study on factors related to experiences of complying without sexual desire and their positive/negative outcomes (2025)
   Analyzes the relationship between motivation, experiences of sexual coercion, distress, etc., among 948 Finnish men and women.
   https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2025.2452844tandfonline.com

3. Study analyzing the impact of sexual compliance on individuals and relationships (2024)
   A paper organizing experiences based on free descriptions from 107 adults, covering emotions, pain, desire, relationships, etc.
   https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11335786/PMC

4. Study on the difficulty of withdrawing consent during sexual acts (2022)
   Analyzes responses from 40 Canadian university students, examining the impact of gender roles and partner influence on consent withdrawal.
   https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10903583/PMC

5. Study on the relationship between "unwanted but consented sexual acts" and communication among university students (2025)
   A cross-sectional survey involving 1,263 U.S. university students.
   https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12292931/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

6. Reddit public post "What does consensual sex look like?" (July 2024)
   Summarizes search results on questions about repeated requests and responses about relationships that respect refusal.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1dvjdgf/reddit.com

7. Reddit public post "If you can't say no, you can't say yes." (November 2022)
   Reference for opinions that anger or cold responses after refusal hinder free choice.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/ynpr2s/reddit.com

8. Cabinet Office Gender Equality Bureau "What is sexual crime/violence?"
   Public explanation about the relationship between situations where one cannot refuse and consent, as well as spousal/partner and male victimization, and the consultation line "#8891".
   https://www.gender.go.jp/policy/no_violence/seibouryoku/Cabinet Office Gender Equality Bureau

9. Ministry of Justice "Q&A on legal revisions related to sexual crimes"
   Explanation of the difficulty in forming, expressing, and maintaining non-consenting intentions in crimes like non-consensual indecency/intercourse.
   https://www.moj.go.jp/keiji1/keiji12_00200.html