To Women Tired of Being the "Good Person"—Choosing to Reclaim Anger

Who Decided "You Must Not Get Angry"?

Even when told unreasonable things, you smile and let it pass. When work is pushed onto you, you consider the other person's circumstances before refusing. At home, you prioritize family schedules over your own fatigue.

In such daily life, have you ever swallowed your anger, thinking, "It's my fault for getting upset over something like this"?

The BBC highlighted women who are trying to express the anger they've long suppressed.

Music artist Chess Galea, 34, who was interviewed, used to suppress her anger for fear of being seen as "hysterical" or "difficult to work with." But now, she expresses her discomfort when faced with sexual remarks on the street.

The question here is not whether women should shout louder.

It's about whether you can say something is unfair when treated unjustly. Can you acknowledge your own hurt without dismissing it? That's the change being discussed.

Has Women's Anger Increased, or Has It Become More Visible?

According to a BBC article, in the UK, the number of women who said they felt angry for much of the previous day increased from about 1 in 10 in 2020 to about 1 in 5 in 2024.

However, this figure does not mean that "women have become more aggressive." It refers to the experience of the emotion of anger, not the frequency of abusive language or violence.

Also, these UK figures cannot be directly applied to Japanese women.

Psychotherapist Jennifer Cox, featured in the article, sees both an increase in burdens and a greater ease in expressing anger as factors.

Experiences that would have ended with "it can't be helped" now have names like sexism and unfairness. Knowing others are troubled by the same issues makes one realize it's not just a personal problem.

Sometimes new anger arises, and sometimes long-existing anger finally finds words.

It's Not Just the Tasks That Are Hard—The "Mental Load" of Running a Household

An essential aspect of considering women's anger is the invisible burden known as the "mental load."

For example, before cooking dinner, you need to check the fridge, plan the menu, and allocate time for shopping. Taking a child to a medical appointment doesn't end with just the visit. You need to make appointments, adjust school or work schedules, and gather necessary items.

These are management tasks to keep the household running smoothly.

The phrase "I'll help if you just tell me" can feel burdensome because of this.

The responsibility of deciding what, when, and to whom to delegate remains with the same person. Even if tasks are divided, if one person continues to give instructions and confirmations, the mental workload doesn't easily decrease.

In Japan, there are also figures indicating the imbalance of burdens.

According to the 2021 Survey on Time Use and Leisure Activities by the Ministry of Internal Affairs and Communications, for couples with children under six, husbands spent 1 hour and 54 minutes per day on household-related tasks, while wives spent 7 hours and 28 minutes. This is the weekly average for households with couples and children.

This time includes housework, caregiving, nursing, childcare, and shopping. However, it doesn't fully assess the total burden including paid work or the fairness of individual households. Still, it shows that household work is not evenly distributed.

The important thing is not just to argue about "who worked more minutes." It's to review whether the role of keeping track of schedules, noticing what's needed, and taking responsibility until the end is concentrated on one person.

In the Workplace, There Are Consequences for Both "Not Getting Angry" and "Getting Angry"

Outside the home, expressing anger also has its difficulties.

If you challenge unfair work distribution, you might be labeled as "uncooperative." If you point out a rude remark, it might be dismissed as "not getting the joke."

Anticipating such reactions, it may seem safer to minimize your emotions rather than change the problem in front of you.

The BBC introduced a 2020 study showing that women who expressed anger in the workplace were evaluated as not suitable for their position or influence, while men did not face the same disadvantage.

This doesn't mean it applies to every workplace or person. However, it provides material to consider whether evaluations are influenced more by the speaker's gender or "pleasantness" than the content of the statement.

Coach Yan Dan, featured in the article, recommends practicing expressing one's will with short, direct words.

In a Japanese workplace context, expressions like the following might be considered:

• "I find that remark uncomfortable."
• "With my current workload, I can't take on additional tasks."
• "I'm not satisfied with this distribution. Please review it."
• "I'm still in the middle of explaining, so please let me finish."

However, these are examples considered in this article and do not guarantee improvement if used.

The party being pointed out also has the responsibility to accept the content. Discussing only the manner of expression with "You should have said it more calmly" leaves the burden and unfairness unresolved.

Movies and Music Changing the Image of "Angry Women"

The BBC article also focuses on the depiction of women's anger in culture.

In past works, angry women were sometimes portrayed as unstable and dangerous. Recently, however, the experiences leading to anger and the clash with societal expectations have increasingly become the central themes of stories.

The article cites music by Lily Allen and Olivia Rodrigo, and the movie 'Barbie' as examples.

What audiences and listeners receive is not just intense emotions. It's the sense that "trying to be the ideal woman is so exhausting" and "you don't have to pretend you're okay when you're hurt."

Works can express feelings that one couldn't explain well themselves, sometimes leading to recognizing those emotions.

However, the extreme expressions in works and permissible actions in reality are separate matters. Even relatable anger does not justify attacking others.

Reactions on Social Media—Empathy of "It's Not Just Me" and Uncertainty in Handling It

Discussions about women's anger and mental load have been ongoing on social media and online forums.

The following is not a direct response to the BBC article but a Reddit post on the same theme. It represents anonymous individual voices and not the opinion of all women.

A post on "AskWomenOver30" highlighted the issue that while women's anger certainly exists, there are few places in society where it can be spoken about or expressed.

What emerges is a sense of isolation, not only from the anger itself but also from not being accepted for having anger.

In the "AskFeminists" discussion, some see talking about women's anger as reclaiming the power to articulate previously suppressed grievances.

Meanwhile, in the "SwiftlyNeutral" discussion, there were questions about the use of the term "female rage," suggesting it might be used to mean simply someone being upset, rather than addressing structural inequities experienced by women.

Thus, the focus of empathy is not on the unconditional affirmation of all anger.

What is the anger directed at? What experiences or injustices gave rise to that anger? Discussions on social media also question the substance of these issues.

Sharing anger can be a catalyst for breaking out of a state of self-blame. At the same time, merely encountering posts does not necessarily lead to resolution. What matters is how to change the specific burdens and treatments after sharing.

Recognizing Anger and Acting on It Are Different

Even if told you don't have to suppress anger, some might wonder, "So, should I just unleash it all?"

Psychologist Tara Brach, featured by the BBC, explains that beneath anger lies what you value.

To be treated fairly. To be safe. To be respected. To have rest.

Using anger as a clue reveals what you wanted to protect. However, it's necessary to distinguish this from being overwhelmed by emotions and taking actions that hurt others.

Brach introduces "RAIN," a four-step process for dealing with difficult emotions.

R: Recognize

First, recognize "I am angry now."

Without immediately judging right or wrong, acknowledge the presence of the emotion.

A: Allow the emotion

Don't deny the emotion itself with "I shouldn't be angry over this."

This doesn't mean condoning attacks on others. It's about accepting that you're feeling angry.

I: Investigate what was painful

Was the burden uneven? Were you not listened to? Was your time taken for granted?

Thinking specifically about the cause makes it easier to articulate the change you want.

N: Nurture yourself

Don't direct harsh words at your wounded self.

RAIN is a method for reflecting on emotions, not a mechanism for resolving unfair situations themselves. Balancing self-care and asking for improvement from others is permissible.

What Japan Needs Is Not "More Techniques to Endure"

When bringing this article closer to Japanese life, it's clear that the challenge is not just "for women to become better at expressing anger."

In the home, it's about dividing not just tasks but also the management of schedules and preparation. In the workplace, it's about not focusing solely on the expression or tone of the person pointing out an issue but confirming what happened.

When hearing complaints, before immediately responding with "You don't have to be angry," ask "What was burdensome?" Even that changes the starting point of the conversation.

Moreover, not everyone can strongly respond on the spot. In cases of power imbalances or safety concerns, choosing not to confront directly should also be respected. Not being able to express anger should not be criticized as a new weakness.

Reclaiming anger does not mean becoming someone who is always angry.

It means being able to recognize your experiences in your own words, like saying "I didn't like that," "That's unfair," or "I can't handle this alone anymore."

And what is required of those around is to listen to those words without dismissing them as a personality issue.

Sources and References

1. BBC:Interviews with Galea and others, figures on British women's anger, workplace evaluations, cultural expressions, and expert opinions are based on the BBC article.
   https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cmg47lx1pqlko

2. Ministry of Internal Affairs and Communications: 2021 Survey on Time Use and Leisure Activities Overview
   Referenced to confirm household-related time for Japanese husbands and wives with children under six. Results from the 2021 survey, not actual values for 2026.
   https://www.stat.go.jp/data/shakai/2021/pdf/gaiyoua.pdfMinistry of Internal Affairs and Communications

3. Reddit/AskWomenOver30: Public Post on How to Handle Women's Anger
   Summarized the poster's awareness of the problem that women's anger is difficult to talk about and accept. Not a direct response to the BBC article.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1dgwh3t/what_do_you_do_with_your_female_rage/Reddit

4. Reddit/AskFeminists: Discussion on the Meaning of Women's Anger
   Reference source for the view of reclaiming the power to express dissatisfaction. The content of the post was summarized in Japanese in the article.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/13rh46t/female_rage_good_or_bad/Reddit

5. Reddit/SwiftlyNeutral: Questions About the Use of the Term "Female Rage"
   Reference source for a post distinguishing between anger at structural inequities and general personal anger.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/SwiftlyNeutral/comments/1cs6ok1/female_rage_is_a_bit_overblown_for_the_emotions/Reddit

6. Tara Brach Official Site: Explanation of RAIN
   Confirmed the four steps of recognizing, allowing, investigating, and nurturing. Specific applications to everyday situations were supplemented in this article.
   https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/