When Compliments Make You Happy or Give You the Creeps: The Fine Line and How to Convey Them Well

1. Why Do "Compliments" Sometimes Feel Uncomfortable?

Compliments are originally meant to make the other person happy.
Nonetheless, there are times when you can accept them with a simple "thank you," and other times when you feel uncomfortable, thinking, "Is this the right time to say that?"

According to an article by Germany's public broadcaster ZDF, compliments can be both "lubricants for human relationships" and "dynamite that can destroy them," as pointed out by psychologist Beate Ditzen.ZDFheute
The issue lies more in the context of "who says it, in what kind of relationship, in what situation, and with what intention" rather than the words themselves.

Even the same phrase, "You did well,"
can feel reassuring when said by a close friend,
but strangely irritating when said by a boss who usually talks down to you.

Understanding this gap is the first step in choosing "compliments that are received favorably."

2. The Basics of "Compliments": Meaning and History

The German word "Kompliment" is defined in the Duden (German dictionary) as "an expression of praise or flattery intended to make someone feel pleasant or delightful."ZDFheute

Originally derived from the French "compliment," it is said to have nuances of "abundance" and "slightly exaggerated words."
In old Europe, it was also used as a polite greeting, such as "Please convey my compliments."

In other words, compliments have historically been used as
"tools of social interaction" to respect others and ease the atmosphere.

However, in modern times, with the advancement of discussions on social media and harassment,
criticisms such as "Isn't that compliment sexual harassment?"
and "Isn't that condescending?"
have emerged.

The gap between their historical role and current values makes handling compliments challenging.

3. Compliments in Romantic and Marital Relationships: What Should You Praise?

Ditzen and others conducted research on couples to investigate what kind of compliments actually enhance relationship satisfaction.ZDFheute+1

The results frequently included the following:

• "I can talk about anything with you": Ease of communication

• "I laugh a lot when I'm with you": Humor and atmosphere

• "I enjoyed going to ○○ with you": Reference to shared experiences

In other words,compliments about "the time spent together" or "the quality of the relationship" rather than the partner's "appearance"tend to warm the relationship more.

In Japan, too,
words like "Your makeup looks cute today"
are often less impactful than "I'm happy you always smile even though you've been busy lately."

Compliments for a lover or partner should focus on

1. shared experiences unique to the two of you

2. the partner's personality and actions

3. the relationship itself

Focusing on these "contents" can enhance a sense of security and trust.

4. Compliments on Appearance and Gender Differences

The ZDF article points out that "compliments on appearance" are perceived differently depending on who is involved in the conversation.ZDFheute

Psychologist Ditzen explains that

• compliments on appearance among women are more likely to be received positively

• while between men and women, the same words can easily lead to misunderstandings or discomfort.

For example,

among female friends,

• "That dress looks great on you today!"

  • "That hair color suits your vibe beautifully."

Such comments are often felt to be pleasant.

However, when a male boss says to a female subordinate at work,

• "That skirt looks nice."

• "You've become quite alluring lately."

there's a risk the recipient might feel they are being "evaluated" or "viewed sexually" rather than appreciated.

The important thing is whether the relationship is one where the other person feels "mutually safe." Especially in Japan, societal scrutiny regarding gender gaps and sexual harassment issues has intensified.

When complimenting appearance,

• it's safer to confirm whether the relationship is close enough

• and whether the person is usually open about that topic

• and whether it's not in a public setting (workplace, social gatherings, online meetings).

5. Compliments with Sexual or Intimate Nuances: Where's the Line?

Ditzen warns that "comments with sexual context" are not always welcomed, even among lovers.ZDFheute+1

For example,

• "You look sexier than usual tonight"

can sometimes provide reassurance to a partner, but it can also make them feel

• "Is that how I'm being seen?"

• "It feels like there's pressure to meet expectations."

Especially in situations where

• couples are dealing with delicate issues like a lack of intimacy

• or have not been open about sexual topics

• or when a partner is dealing with physical or mental health issues

sexual compliments can easily turn into pressure or anxiety.

In places like work, school, or clubs,where sexual topics are inappropriate, they are obviously a no-go. Even seemingly light comments like "You're cute" or "You have a great figure" can be perceived as sexual harassment depending on the context.

6. Compliments in the Workplace: The Key is "I-Messages"

The ZDF article suggests that in the workplace,

instead of saying "You're always capable,"
it's better to say, "Your presentation earlier was very clear and helpful."

This approach involvespairing specific actions with your own impressionsand is recommended.ZDFheute

This is similar to the concept of "I-messages" often mentioned in Japan, where you express "I felt this way."

Good Examples

• "The meeting today was very smoothly run, and it helped a lot."

• "The diagrams in the materials were easy to understand, making it easier to explain to the client."

• "I was impressed by your persistence with this project."

Bad Examples

• "You're a genius, aren't you?"

• "You're probably the best in our team."

• "You're doing well for someone so young."

Even words that seem positive at first glance can be problematic if they are

• vague and lack specificity

• sound condescending

• emphasize age or gender

These points can prevent the recipient from genuinely appreciating the compliment.

This applies not only from superiors to subordinates but alsoamong colleagues, clients, and freelancers. In business, focusing on "the content, process, and outcomes of work" rather than "personality" is safer and can enhance the recipient's sense of self-efficacy.

7. Points to Note When There is a Power Imbalance

Ditzen points out thatcompliments become more challenging in situations with "power imbalances."ZDFheute

• Between a boss and a subordinate

• Between a teacher and a student

• Between a parent and a child

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