Is "Just Nodding" Not Enough to Communicate? Research Reveals the Surprising Common Trait of "Good Conversationalists"

When talking to someone, the other person nods repeatedly, saying "yeah," "hmm," and "I see."

At first glance, it seems like they are listening intently.

However, have you ever felt that the conversation didn't quite take off or that you were the only one talking once it ended?

Conversely, there are people who are surprisingly easy to talk to, even if it's your first meeting.

When you talk about work, they ask, "What made you start that?" and when you talk about travel, they follow up with, "What was the most memorable place?" They even remember things you mentioned earlier and bring them back up, asking, "By the way, what happened with that thing you mentioned earlier?"

Such differences might not be explained solely by the vague talent of "communication skills."

A study by a research team from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and others analyzed specific "listening behaviors" during conversations and found that follow-up questions and actions that verbally demonstrate understanding are linked to smoother conversations and stronger social connections.

The study involved 646 people across two studies.

What emerged was the fact that "a good listener is not someone who remains silent."

"It's not about what you say, but how you receive what the other person says."

People who feel they are not good at conversations tend to think,

"I have to say something interesting."

"I must not create silence."

"I have to think of the next topic."

However, in actual conversations, how you receive the topics introduced by the other person can be more important than your ability to introduce new topics yourself.

For example, if the other person says,

"I recently changed jobs,"

and you only respond with,

"Oh, I see,"

the other person has to decide what to talk about next on their own.

On the other hand, if you ask,

"Why did you decide to change jobs?"

"Is it quite different from your previous job?"

it gives the other person a clear entry point to continue the conversation.

Such questions are the "follow-up questions" highlighted in the study, which are asked based on what the other person has just said.

The important thing is not just to ask questions.

If you simply throw prepared questions like,

"What do you do on your days off?"

"Where are you from?"

"What do you do for work?"

in sequence, it becomes more like a survey or interview than a conversation.

The study focused on questions that seek to understand what the other person has said and want to know more about it.

Detailed analysis of conversations with 300 people

In the first study, 300 students and graduate students who were analyzed had about 10-minute conversations with a stranger.

The conversations were set to gradually progress to more personal themes, and the researchers analyzed the video and audio.

The focus was particularly on,

"follow-up questions related to the other person's story,"

and,

"actions that verbally demonstrate understanding and affirmation of the other person's statements."

The latter includes reactions such as paraphrasing the other person's thoughts, showing understanding of their feelings, or supporting their statements.

Conversely, short reactions like "yeah" or "right" were not necessarily considered sufficient listening behaviors.

Additionally, immediately shifting the conversation to one's own experiences based on the other person's story was distinguished from high-quality listening.

This is interesting when considering everyday conversations.

For example, if a friend says,

"Recently, work has been tough,"

and you immediately switch to your own story, saying,

"I know, I had to work overtime yesterday too..."

Even if you intend to empathize, the person who was talking might feel like their story was cut off.

On the other hand, if you first delve deeper into their story by asking,

"What's been the toughest part?"

and then share your own experience, the reception might change.

More follow-up questions lead to faster conversation pace

The study found that people who asked more related follow-up questions tended to have faster responses not only from themselves but also from the other party.

The researchers did not interpret this as "speaking faster."

In conversations, there is usually a process of:

The other person finishes speaking

↓

Understanding the content

↓

Thinking about what to say in response

↓

Starting to speak

When both parties are focused on the conversation and naturally see "what to say next," this transition becomes smoother.

In other words, the small "what should I do" hesitations that arise in conversations are reduced.

This difference is particularly significant in conversations with strangers.

With close friends, a few seconds of silence isn't awkward, but with strangers, even short silences can feel long.

Questions aligned with the other person's statements can be thought of as extending the track of the conversation.

Being perceived as a "warm person" by others

The study also examined a metric called "positivity resonance," which captures the warmth, affection, and sense of connection that arises between two people.

Conversations with many follow-up questions and verbal understanding and affirmation were more likely to be evaluated as warmer and more attuned interactions by third parties.

Additionally, the person speaking reported feeling a stronger connection in conversations with those who listened in this way.

There's an interesting point here.

The listener themselves did not necessarily feel strongly that "we became really close today."

In other words, even if they weren't consciously aware, the other person might perceive them as,

"Someone who really listens to me,"

"Easy to talk to,"

"Interested in me."

In communication, how you feel and how you are perceived by others do not always align.

There might be a bigger gap than expected between "thinking you're listening" and "feeling listened to."

People who are truly listening remember "the conversation from a few minutes ago"

An interesting characteristic noted by researchers analyzing conversation records was that those who listened well were more likely to bring up specific information mentioned earlier in the conversation.

When thinking about what to say next during a conversation, people surprisingly forget the details shared by the other person.

However, if you listen attentively,

information like "The professor said something like that,"

"I have an interview this weekend,"

"There was a little trouble with my family,"

stays in your mind.

And a few minutes later, you can naturally return to it by asking,

"By the way, when is that interview?"

This sends a strong message to the person speaking.

"What you said has stayed with me,"

is what you're demonstrating through your actions.

However, the researchers themselves noted that this behavior of remembering previous content and bringing it up later was not an independently tested variable but a characteristic observed from conversation records.

Therefore, it's not definitive that "remembering the other person's story will always make you liked."

Still, it's suggestive when considering everyday conversations.

"Focusing on connecting with people" naturally increases questions

The first study had another intriguing result.

Some participants were given an intervention beforehand to encourage them to increase connections with strangers or acquaintances they weren't very close to.

In that group, follow-up questions increased during conversations compared to the control group.

In statistical models, this corresponded to about a 23% increase, which, although small, was statistically significant.

Interestingly, they were not directly instructed to "ask more questions."

By consciously aiming to "connect better with people," behaviors that seek to understand the other person naturally increased, and follow-up questions emerged as one of those behaviors.

This is important when considering "conversation techniques."

Rather than memorizing rules like "ask a question every three minutes" or "always use the 5W1H,"

thinking "I want to know one more thing about this person" might lead to more natural questions.

However, "the more questions, the better" is not the case

It's important to note here.

Interpreting this study's results as

"asking a lot of questions will make you liked"

is incorrect.

In the second study, 348 working adults engaged in short, informal conversations of up to about five minutes with a stranger who was the experimenter.

In this case, the number of follow-up questions alone could not consistently predict emotional connections with the other person.

Instead, what was more consistently related was "overall listening behavior."

This included,

eye contact,

facial expressions,

body orientation and posture,

short acknowledgments,

words that show understanding of the other person,

follow-up questions,

among others.

For example, even if you ask,

"So what happened next?"

while looking at your smartphone, it won't seem like you're listening intently.

If you cross your arms, avoid eye contact, and remain expressionless while just asking questions, it might feel more like an interrogation.

It's not the questions themselves that connect people; it's the combination of multiple signs that say, "I'm paying attention to your story," that's important.

On social media, there's also the concern of "not being asked questions = lack of interest?"

This theme is frequently discussed on social media.

 

Rather than a large-scale reaction to this particular study, the concern of "the other person doesn't ask follow-up questions" is repeatedly posted on communication-related communities like Reddit.

One poster expressed doubt about why, in conversations with friends or romantic partners, they ask questions, but the other person rarely asks questions like "How was your day?" or "Why do you think that?" in return.

Another poster shared the concern that while they continue the conversation by asking follow-up questions, when they start talking, the other person doesn't ask questions, making them feel "uninterested."

These voices overlap significantly with the study's findings.

People cannot see inside the other person's head.

Even if there is genuine interest, if it's not expressed, it won't be conveyed to the other person.

Questions are likely one way to convert that interest into a visible form.

On the other hand, there's the opposite concern on social media.

"I don't know what to ask."

"It's hard to come up with more questions after the other person has explained everything."

These are very important points.

The study's findings do not support a simple "question supremacy."

The key to preventing "interview-like" conversations is "inserting reactions between questions"

So, how can it be made natural?

For example, if someone says,

"I recently traveled to Kyoto,"

a poor example would be to bombard them with questions like,

"How many days did you go?"

"Who did you go with?"

"Where did you stay?"