"Just being together makes me happy"
"Why doesn't this person understand me?"
"I might always be reacting the same way"
"I want to know more about my partner, including our differences"

These four phrases represent different perspectives directed at a partner.

The exhilaration when love begins. The dissatisfaction that becomes apparent as you live together. The realization of clashing with each other. And the attitude of trying to understand your partner while embracing differences. Which of these phrases is closest to your current relationship?

Dutch psychologist Anne de Jong explains partner relationships in four stages in her book 'Diepe liefde (Deep Love)'. Based on an interview by the Dutch Metro, Germany's FOCUS Online introduced this concept on September 23, 2026.

Particularly striking is the observation that some couples remain in the second stage for 30 years. The number of years together and the depth of mutual understanding do not necessarily correlate.

However, these four stages are not a proven rule that all couples progress through in order. The "30 years" is not an average based on research, but an explanation by experts. It should be read as a model for re-evaluating your relationship, not as a test to score it.

A Quick Look at the "4 Stages" of Partner Relationships

Stage 1 "Falling in Love" — Everything about the partner seems attractive

The first stage is characterized by a strong desire to "be with this person."

Just receiving a message makes you happy. You check the next meeting date multiple times. Small habits that would usually bother you appear endearing as part of their personality.

For example, you might find a partner who doesn't plan meticulously to be "free-spirited and generous," discovering an attraction you don't possess. If the partner is cautious, you might think of them as "calm and reliable."

During this period, there are still many unknowns about the partner. Expectations and imagination may fill those gaps.

Therefore, even if you feel "I didn't think they were like this" after the initial excitement subsides, it doesn't necessarily mean the partner has become a different person. It could be that more opportunities to know them have revealed aspects that weren't visible at first.

The question to reflect on in Stage 1 is, "What attracted me to this person, and what do I still not know?"

Stage 2 "Facing Differences" — What was once attractive becomes a source of dissatisfaction

In the next stage, differences in lifestyle and values become more apparent.

"Free-spirited and generous" turns into "won't make plans."
"Cautious and reliable" turns into "takes too long to do anything."

The characteristics that were initially attractive can lead to inconvenience in shared life. Although you are looking at the same partner, your evaluation changes significantly.

De Jong highlights how, at this time, the partner's actions are treated as their entire personality.

For example, "They didn't listen to me till the end today" becomes "This person isn't interested in me." "They forgot what I asked" becomes "They're always irresponsible."

What started as a discussion about specific events can turn into a dispute about "what kind of person you are" before you know it.

One side demands, "Why won't you change?" while the other braces themselves, thinking, "No matter what I do, there's always a complaint." If such exchanges become fixed, even if the subject of the argument changes, the outcome remains similar.

The observation that some couples remain in Stage 2 for 30 years explains this kind of relationship stagnation. Being together for a long time doesn't automatically mean you can move past it.

A related study in 2024 examined 200 heterosexual couples seeking clinical services, focusing on depressive symptoms, negative attribution of causes and responsibilities to the partner, and the state of the relationship. A tendency to negatively attribute the cause of problems to the partner was related to relationship issues. However, it was not a study proving causality or the four-stage model.

The question to consider at this stage is, "Can I separate what the partner did from the conclusions I've drawn about them and discuss them separately?"

Stage 3 "Reflecting on Your Reactions" — Observing what is happening between the two

In Stage 3, attention also turns to one's own reactions.

"Why did that one word make me so angry?"
"What did I imagine when my partner went silent?"
"How does my partner react when I raise my voice?"

For example, a person who feels anxious about a lack of response may press for an answer. The partner feels accused and goes silent. The silence is perceived as "being ignored," leading to further pressing.

As a result of each trying to protect their own feelings, they may inadvertently heighten the other's anxiety or caution. Noticing the mechanism of such exchanges is central to this stage.

Instead of concluding, "You are cold," you express, "When there's no response, I feel rejected."

The silent partner might explain, "I can't organize my thoughts right now. Let's continue after dinner," which could convey the meaning of the silence.

The reflection here is not about thinking you are solely at fault. It's not about taking on the partner's responsibility either. It's about specifying the reactions you can change and the actions you want the partner to amend.

The question to consider in this stage is, "When the same exchange begins, where can the two of us choose different responses?"

Stage 4 "Accepting with Curiosity" — Continuing to know the partner despite differences

In Stage 4, curiosity and acceptance towards the partner become central.

In a long-term relationship, it's easy to think, "I know this person." However, work burdens, health, and priorities change. Understanding based on years-old perceptions may not capture the current partner.

"You said this before, but is it still the same now?"
"What's been burdensome for you lately?"
"Why do you want to cherish that?"

Maintaining such questions is characteristic of Stage 4.

Acceptance doesn't mean sharing the same preferences. A person who wants to go out on holidays and one who wants to rest at home can understand each other's wishes and create time to spend separately. You can discuss how to live together, assuming there are differences.

On the other hand, if the burden of household chores is skewed to one person and is dismissed with "That's just my personality," unfairness remains. Understanding personality differences and fulfilling the responsibilities of shared life should be considered separately.

There's no need to accept violence, intimidation, or control. Situations that compromise safety or dignity should not be treated as ordinary stages on the way to deepening love.

A related longitudinal study in the U.S. examined over 2,000 married adults, focusing on the sense of being understood, valued, and cared for by a partner, and changes in happiness over 10 years. That sense was related to long-term changes in happiness related to life's meaning and growth. However, it wasn't the same for happiness related to daily pleasure or discomfort.

This study doesn't prove the existence of Stage 4 but provides material for considering the significance of feeling understood by a partner.

The question to reflect on in Stage 4 is, "What would I like to ask about the partner I should know well?"

Hints for Considering Stages 2 and 3 Visible on SNS

When read from the perspective of the four stages, even partner consultations on SNS reveal clues for reflecting on relationships.

What is introduced here is not a direct reaction to the original article but past posts and comments on Reddit dealing with similar relationship issues. There is no intention to diagnose the poster into a specific stage, nor does it represent the overall public opinion.

In a 2024 post, a consultant complained that a conflict over a relationship with relatives from over 10 years ago was reignited by attending a family event.

Comments pointed out that past events might remain unresolved for the spouse and suggested considering support from a mediator or therapist if the two cannot sort it out.

Changing the question from "Why are you angry about the same thing again?" to "What is unresolved for the partner?" This response is suggestive for considering reflection in Stage 3.

Additionally, in a 2019 post about newlywed life, regarding troubles escalating from small household issues to intense conflicts or communication breakdowns, there were opinions suggesting the use of counseling to learn communication.

However, both are essentially consultations written from one perspective. You cannot conclude the partner's feelings or personality. That's why it connects to the model's question, "Am I judging the partner based only on what I can see?"

Re-evaluate Your Relationship with Four Questions

If you want to relate the four stages to your relationship, consider each of the following questions.

• Stage 1 Question: What attracted you to your partner, and what expectations did you have?

• Stage 2 Question: What differences are currently causing dissatisfaction?

• Stage 3 Question: How are you reacting to that dissatisfaction?

• Stage 4 Question: Considering the differences, how do you want to understand your partner moving forward?

This is not a checklist where a certain score means passing. Even if the two of you don't have matching answers, it can be an opportunity to know what and how you are feeling.

After the excitement settles, differences become visible. In clashing with those differences, you become aware of your reactions. Then, you turn your attention once more to the partner you thought you understood.

De Jong's four-stage model is a proposal to re-evaluate partner relationships from such perspectives.

What part of your partner are you looking at now? Is it their charm, their flaws, or perhaps feelings you haven't heard yet?

Source URL

1. FOCUS Online (September 23, 2026): Introduction of De Jong's four-stage model and related research.
   https://www.focus.de/familie/beziehung/beziehungspsychologin-identifiziert-4-phasen-der-liebe-manche-paare-verharren-30-jahre-lang-in-phase-2_e776e6b6-0987-40a9-bb6a-a3d1864779c7.html

2. Metro: Interview with Anne de Jong. Original article on 'Diepe liefde', the four stages, recurring conflicts, curiosity, and acceptance.
   https://www.metronieuws.nl/lifestyle/relaties-seks/2026/09/relatiepsycholoog-anne-de-jong-relatie-diepe-liefde-fases/

3. Pollard et al. (2024), Personal Relationships: Study examining the relationship between depressive symptoms, negative attribution, and relationship status in 200 heterosexual couples seeking clinical services.
   https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pere.12581

4. “Does Partner Responsiveness Predict Hedonic and Eudaimonic Well-Being? A 10-Year Longitudinal Study”: Study examining the sense of being understood, valued, and cared for by a partner and long-term changes in happiness.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28592909/

5. Reddit "So tired of having the same fight" (2024): Consultation about a past conflict over a relationship with relatives reigniting, with comments mentioning unresolved emotions and third-party support. Not a direct response to the original article.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1e1gf3k/so_tired_of_having_the_same_fight/

6. Reddit "Newly married, but, already fighting" (2019): Consultation about newlywed life where small issues escalate into intense conflicts, with responses about communication and counseling. Not a direct response to the original article.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/dsh5pm/