The Reason We End Up Like Our Parents Even When We Don't Want To: Can We Change the "Mental Patterns" Inherited from Our Families?

"I Swore I'd Never Speak Like That"

Sometimes, right after snapping back at a child or partner with a harsh tone, a voice inside us echoes that sentiment. The moment the words leave our mouths, we're surprised, because it feels like we're repeating the very words our parents used to say that we disliked.

I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to get angry like that. I don't want to use silence in that way. I don't want to inherit that moodiness that dominates the family. Despite these thoughts, as we grow up and lose our composure in work, family, or relationships, we unexpectedly encounter a version of ourselves that is just like our parents.

An article from the German newspaper WELT addresses this strange and somewhat bitter feeling experienced by many. The theme is "Why do we end up like our parents even when we don't want to?" The article discusses the nature of behavioral patterns inherited from parents and how they can be changed, featuring insights from Lutz Wittmann, an expert in clinical psychology and psychotherapy, and Stefan Vielmuth, a systemic therapist.

The important point is that the phenomenon of "becoming like our parents" is not just a matter of simple genetics. Beyond obvious similarities like facial features or body type, we also inherit various influences from our parents, such as the volume of our voice when angry, habits of reassurance when anxious, an inability to rely on others, the use of silence in the family, and how we blame ourselves when we fail.

The article presents three main perspectives on how parents influence their children. First, genetics: some aspects of personality and temperament are innate. Second, behavioral patterns learned during childhood at home: children closely observe not only their parents' words but also their expressions, silences, reactions, marital relationships, and attitudes under stress. Third, epigenetics, which suggests that the environment and stress can affect gene function. Recent research continues to explore how significant trauma or chronic stress can leave some impact on the next generation's mind and body.

However, it's important not to think, "Everything about me is determined by my parents." Quite the opposite. Understanding the influence from parents is not about resigning ourselves to a fixed identity, but about choosing our responses anew.

For example, someone who only received attention through being yelled at as a child might unconsciously learn that "strong words are necessary to get through to others." Conversely, someone who was not allowed to express emotions at home might continue to suppress anger or loneliness as an adult, trying to protect themselves by suddenly distancing themselves.

Such reactions do not occur because of a bad personality. They are often methods learned to protect oneself in a past family environment. For a child, the family is the first society, and parents are the first "rules of the world" they encounter. Behaviors that were effective there remain deeply embedded even into adulthood.

However, in the adult world, childhood rules do not always apply. Yelling might silence the other person, but it also loses trust. Silence might avoid conflict, but it cools relationships. Over-preparation might bring peace of mind, but it can feel like control or interference to others. Actions that once protected us can now cause harm to our relationships.

What is striking in the WELT article is the perspective that "becoming like our parents" does not necessarily mean behaving exactly like them. Strong opposition to parents can also be seen as a form of parental influence.

For instance, someone raised by very strict parents might strongly adhere to "being free" as an adult. Someone raised by overbearing parents might prioritize independence and distance. Someone exhausted by emotional parents might strive to remain thoroughly calm. Even if the behavior appears opposite to the parents on the surface, at the core of these actions is a strong reaction of "not becoming like my parents." Thus, both following the same path as parents and running in the opposite direction are within the influence of the parent-child relationship.

This theme tends to elicit reactions on social media. The official X post from WELT had multiple replies and reactions at the time of checking. Related posts on Facebook also reflected sentiments such as "It's not just about bloodlines; education and socialization within the family also play a role" and "People are shaped within their families."

Of course, reactions on social media are not academic surveys. They are limited in number and do not represent the opinions of society as a whole. Nevertheless, this topic certainly stimulates personal memories in people. Discussions about parent-child relationships go beyond mere psychological explanations. Feelings like "I can relate," "I don't want to blame my parents, but there is an influence," and "I don't want to do the same to my children" arise from within the readers.

For those raising children, this theme is particularly pressing. Busy mornings, a child who won't stop crying, preparations that aren't progressing, piling work. Even if one tries to be the ideal parent, the reactions seen in one's own childhood home surface the moment composure is lost. Yelling. Sarcasm. Pressuring with sighs. Ignoring. Suddenly being kind to make up for it. Falling into self-loathing afterward.

Many then feel disheartened, thinking, "Am I just like my parents after all?" However, experts offer a softer perspective. The human brain continues to learn throughout life. While it may be difficult to completely erase deeply ingrained behavioral patterns, it is possible to learn new ways of responding. The original article describes this as akin to a "replacement program."

So, what should we do?

The first step is to become aware of the situations where we repeat the same reactions. Simply blaming oneself with "I did it again" after an outburst of anger or anxiety is unlikely to lead to change. What matters is specifically examining what happened just before that moment.

What words triggered the reaction? What expression from the other person hurt you? What were you afraid of losing? What emotions did you not want to acknowledge? Hidden within these are "mental switches" that have been in place since childhood.

The article also recommends writing down situations and emotions. This is a very practical method. When thinking only in one's head, emotions remain as large blocks like "anger," "anxiety," or "frustration." But when written on paper or in a memo, they can be broken down into finer emotions like "I actually felt sad because I felt rushed," "I was scared as if I were being denied," or "I felt like I was being treated lightly."

Examining emotions in detail is not about indulging oneself. Rather, it is a process to distance oneself from impulsive reactions. Instead of ending with "I am angry," ask, "What am I trying to protect by being angry?" That step interrupts the automatic replay of reactions inherited from parents.

Secondly, it's important not to assume that one's patterns are "correct." For example, someone who was raised with corporal punishment might think, "I was raised this way, so it's fine." However, by realizing how scared or hurt you were at the time, you can choose not to pass the same thing to the next generation.

This is not about making parents the villains. Parents may have had their own circumstances. They too might have inherited something from their parents. War, poverty, illness, loneliness, societal values, the atmosphere of the times. What happens within a family is connected not only to individuals but also to the society and history behind them.

Therefore, what is needed is understanding rather than condemnation. However, understanding is not the same as enduring. Understanding "my parents had their reasons" is different from "therefore, my hurt never happened." Acknowledging your own wounds and choosing what not to inherit is the freedom of adulthood.

Thirdly, seek professional help when necessary. Facing issues like domestic violence, strong control, chronic anxiety, trauma, or repeated problems in intimate relationships can be difficult to handle alone. Psychologists, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists can help organize patterns that are hard to notice and assist in safely dealing with the past.

However, not all influences from parents are negative. Among the ways we resemble our parents, there are things that support our lives. Perseverance, work ethic, a sense of hospitality, laughter, cooking flavors, a tendency not to ignore people in trouble, keeping promises. We don't just inherit wounds from our parents. Sometimes, we inherit strengths in ways we might not even realize.

The issue is not whether we resemble our parents, but whether the resemblance causes suffering to ourselves or those around us. If it doesn't, there's no need to force a change. Instead, we can accept the traces of our family within us as part of our lives.

On the other hand, if the pattern is damaging important relationships, it's worth choosing change. Change doesn't mean becoming a different person or completely erasing parental influence. It's about recognizing old reactions within ourselves and making small choices like "This time, I'll say it differently," "This time, I'll express my feelings instead of going silent," or "This time, I'll walk away before yelling."

Those who think, "I don't want to be like my parents," are actually very conscious of their parents' influence. While this awareness can be painful, it is also the gateway to change. Because patterns that go unnoticed cannot be changed, but those that are noticed can gradually be managed.

Sometimes, when we look in the mirror, we see traces of our parents. The way we speak, the furrow of our brow, the sighs, the habit of worrying too much about someone. There are days when this might evoke disgust. But at the same time, it's a moment to understand where we come from.

We are not copies of our parents. Yet, we are not completely unrelated either. We carry with us what we've inherited, what we've rebelled against, and what remains despite thinking we've forgotten. With all of this, we continue to choose our actions anew.

Resembling our parents is not a defeat. The problem lies in repeating it unconsciously. From the moment we become aware, we can gradually return to the side of our own lives.

Source URL

WELT Article: An article introducing expert opinions on psychological and behavioral patterns resembling parents
https://www.welt.de/gesundheit/article6a3e23e77c842e3a731b64ff/psychologie-warum-wir-unseren-eltern-aehneln-auch-wenn-wir-es-nicht-wollen.html

WELT Official X Post: Used to check reactions on social media to the article
https://x.com/welt/status/2070813526868865511

WELT Nachrichtensender Facebook Post: Used to check responses on Facebook to the original article
https://www.facebook.com/weltnachrichtensender/posts/warum-wir-unseren-eltern-%C3%A4hneln-auch-wenn-wir-es-nicht-wollen/1487746006724339/

NIH / PMC Published Paper: Reference information on the heritability of Big Five personality traits
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5068715/

NIH / PMC Published Review: Reference information on the intergenerational transmission of stress in humans
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4677138/

NIH / PMC Published Review: Reference information on the intergenerational transmission of trauma effects and epigenetics
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6127768/