What are the effects of the "desire to be touched" on the mind and body? "Wanting to touch" ≠ Sexual desire: The Science of Touch Starvation

What are the effects of the "desire to be touched" on the mind and body? "Wanting to touch" ≠ Sexual desire: The Science of Touch Starvation

1. That "loneliness" is noticed by the skin before words

"I feel uneasy for reasons I don't understand," "My emotions feel dry," "I don't feel fulfilled even when meeting people"—we tend to dismiss these feelings as just our imagination. However, the body is more honest.


From the moment we are born, humans receive the world through their skin. Holding hands, touching a shoulder, hugging. Such "safe and desirable contact" communicates "you are welcome here" through a different channel than conversation.


In recent years, the chronic lack of such contact is referred to in English as touch-starved or skin hunger. The point is that this can occur even if contact is not "zero." Even with a partner or many friends, a life with minimal physical contact is possible. Moreover, this lack can affect not just "mood" but also mental and physical well-being.


2. "Wanting to touch" is not always sexual desire—a thirst for intentional touch

The longing for contact is not necessarily a sexual desire. Wanting to hold someone's hand, to have a gentle hand placed on your back, to snuggle on a sofa and sleep.


One woman shared that due to her late romantic experiences, she long felt a desire to be "intentionally" touched by someone. Not just accidental contact, but a touch that carried the intention of "I care about you." When she shared this on social media, it resonated with many. The thirst for contact is not an individual's weakness but a widely existing "unspoken desire" in society.


3. Contact can be a "brain's comfort switch"

Desired, consensual, and safe touch. Research suggests that such contact can help regulate emotions.


For example, reports indicate that the activity of the amygdala (a brain region involved in processing emotions, especially vigilance and fear) can calm down, and oxytocin (a hormone associated with attachment and comfort) can be released. Additionally, health indicators like heart rate variability may improve, stress, anxiety, and pain may lessen, and blood pressure and stress hormones (cortisol) may decrease.


Interestingly, contact has a "language separate from words." Psychologist James A. Coan states that contact communicates connection and compassion to the brain more clearly than words can. This is why, even when comforting words don't settle you, simply holding hands can suddenly regulate your breathing.


4. Why has contact decreased now?

Several "social reasons" overlap in the background of increasing touch deprivation.


4-1. Less time meeting, more screen time

With changes in work styles and the efficiency and online nature of life, the time spent "being in the same place with others" has certainly decreased. Natural interactions like patting a shoulder during a chat or hugging goodbye disappear simply because people don't gather.


4-2. The "reading" of contact has become difficult

Contact also plays a role in gauging the warmth of relationships. Dacher Keltner, who studies contact and emotions, explains that contact is part of flirting (a light probing of intimacy) and that bumping into or lightly touching someone can gauge their interest.


However, if we become unfamiliar with contact, this "reading" becomes difficult. It's not just about romance. The sense of distance in friendships, workplaces, and families is the same.


4-3. Increased awareness of consent, power, and safety

Even if contact is "good," unwanted touch can be harmful. In recent years, we have become more sensitive to harassment and power dynamics. This is a very important change. However, this increased awareness can also inhibit "safe and desirable touch."


Coan points out that modern society has become "a very anxiety-ridden society," and as sensitivity to power relations in places like workplaces has increased, even safe and desirable contact is met with hesitation. The issue is not contact itself but the "difficulty of forming consent" that enables contact.


5. Reactions on social media: Empathy and hesitation erupt simultaneously

When this article (and the quoted episodes) spread, three main reactions stood out on social media.

 


5-1. "I understand. I don't know why, but I'm not fulfilled."

On LinkedIn, comments like "I can clearly feel the days when I don't get enough hugs" were posted in response to a post sharing the article. Another comment, from the perspective of a massage therapist, stated, "People are healed by the sense of being 'seen' and 'witnessed' and by caring touch," suggesting that contact is linked not just to pleasure but to "acknowledgment" and "safety."


5-2. "Contact is important. But there's also fear."

Alongside empathy, there is also a strong sentiment that "contact can easily lead to misunderstandings" and "it's especially difficult in the workplace." This is why the suggestion to "increase contact" doesn't easily translate into practice.


This is why "verbalization" and "distribution of options," discussed in the next chapter, become important as realistic solutions.


5-3. Re-evaluation of "touching oneself"

Regarding self-hugging (a method of hugging oneself) and self-touching like brushing the skin, which appear in the latter part of the article, there are many reactions like "I can try that" and "It's embarrassing, but if it works, I want to do it."


In fact, one woman, who learned from a therapist how to "hug herself tightly and sway her body while stimulating pressure points," initially felt embarrassed but repeated it as she experienced its effects.


6. How can we increase "safe contact"?

What is important here is that "increasing contact" does not mean "forcing closeness." Contact becomes "nourishment" only with consent and context. Here are some practical options.


6-1. First, create "verbal consent"

People who feel a lack of contact are often "afraid to say it." They fear being rejected and don't want to be thought of as strange. However, as Coan says, "If you want more contact, ask for it" is the shortest path, even if it seems roundabout.


Specifically, the following expressions are practical.

  • "Can I hug you today?" (Answerable with Yes/No)

  • "I feel calm when holding hands, how about now?" (Respecting the other's state)

  • "Are there days when you don't like being touched?" (Checking the other's boundaries)

6-2. Distribute the "role" of contact (not concentrating it on romance)

If contact is left only to romance, the period without it can be prolonged. Distributing it among friends, family, communities, sports, or dance, where bodies naturally come closer, reduces pressure. Of course, the other's consent is a premise, but it's easier to avoid "no contact" when there's no partner.

6-3. Use pets and tools not as "substitutes" but as "supplements"

Many find comfort in the warmth of pets. The article also mentions an example of a dog sitting on someone's lap easing loneliness. However, pets do not completely replace human contact. Using them wisely as supplements is realistic.

6-4. Self-touch: More about "effectiveness" than embarrassment

Self-touch is surprisingly effective as an option when contact is difficult.


Researcher Tiffany Field suggests that brushing or massaging your skin with your hands or elbows can provide similar benefits. Self-hugging, self-massage, foam rollers, weighted blankets, and other ways to give your body "comforting pressure" are accessible entry points.


7. What discussions about increasing "contact" should actually protect

When discussing the value of contact, there is always something that must be protected: boundaries and consent.


Contact is not a panacea. For those with trauma or sensory sensitivity, contact can be burdensome. The meaning of "touch" also varies by culture and family environment. We must respect these differences.


With that said, it can also be stated that:


As the culture of consent grows, truly "safe touches" should also increase. This is because relationships where boundaries can be confirmed do not need to fear contact. Discussions about contact are not about closing distances but are also "practice in carefully handling each other's boundaries."


8. In conclusion—a world that extends a hand

An episode is introduced where someone extended a hand to a stranger during airplane turbulence. Culturally, it might seem "a bit strange." But situations make people honest.


What we seek is not excessive closeness but small, reassuring contact.
Holding hands. Touching a shoulder. Hugging. Or perhaps, hugging yourself today.


Each of these, before words, regulates heartbeat and breathing. Precisely because we live in an era of increased anxiety about contact, the "design of warmth" based on consent and respect is now necessary.


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