The Trap of Loneliness Brought by Kindness: Always Being There for Others, Yet Unable to Rely on Anyone — The Loneliness Faced by Kind People

"Why Do 'Good People' Feel Lonely? When You Leave Yourself Behind While Being Considerate"

You always respond politely to friends' consultations, adjust schedules for gatherings, and lend a hand when someone is in trouble. People around you say, "You're so kind," and "You're really helpful."

Yet, the moment you return home and find yourself alone, you suddenly feel lonely.

"When was the last time someone listened to me until the end?"

Having social interactions and feeling secure within those relationships are not necessarily the same. Even if you are relied upon, if there is no place to show your weaknesses or desires, you may feel lonely within those connections.

The German women's magazine BRIGITTE addresses the theme that even kind and empathetic people can experience loneliness behind their seemingly characteristic behavior.

However, it cannot be concluded from this that "the kinder a person is, the lonelier they become." What we want to consider is not the amount of kindness, but how much your feelings are being addressed within the relationship.

Below, let's consider this issue from three everyday scenarios.

1. Losing Sight of Your True Feelings While Adjusting to Others

When asked, "What do you want to eat?" you reply, "Anything is fine."

If you genuinely don't mind either way, that's a natural response. However, if you have a restaurant you want to go to but don't say it, act cheerful when you're tired, or nod every time despite having a different opinion—when such situations accumulate, the circumstances change.

What the other person knows is the self that always agrees and always adjusts to their convenience. What you endure and what hurts you behind that is not conveyed.

Then, even while having a conversation, you may be left with the feeling that "they don't understand me."

It's too early to label the other person as someone who "doesn't read between the lines." If you haven't expressed your wishes, the other person might genuinely think you are satisfied.

First, try putting one small preference into words.

"I'd like a quiet place today."
"I am also interested in that movie."
"I'm tired this week, so I'd like to meet for a short time."

These words are not meant to disrupt the atmosphere. They serve as information for the other person to get to know you.

Closeness is not nurtured solely by agreeing every time. Even if your wishes differ, you can adjust to each other. That experience also becomes a foundation for security.

2. Continuously Playing the Role of "Supporter" Makes It Hard to Rely on Others

Those who are good at receiving consultations may find themselves becoming the listener for those around them.

Of course, listening to others is not a problem in itself. What tends to become burdensome is when you cannot step down from that role even on days when you have no leeway, and your own troubles are put on the back burner.

"The other person seems to have it harder."
"It might be a nuisance to rely on them for something like this."
"I always want to be my cheerful self."

While thinking this way, you may find it easy to help but difficult to ask for help.

Even if you appear reliable to those around you, you may be left with the doubt, "Am I only needed when I'm useful?"

However, whether that is actually what the other person thinks should be considered separately. The other person might not be aware that you are struggling.

"Today, I'd like you to listen to my story a little."
"I'd be happy if you could just listen rather than offer solutions right now."

There is a way to specifically convey what you want them to do.

Even if the other person cannot respond at that moment, do they try to make time later? Do they remember the conversation and show concern? Clues to understanding the relationship are not found in a single response.

Is there room for the roles of supporter and supported to switch according to the situation? Focus on that point.

3. Fear of Losing Relationships Makes It Hard to Say "No"

You accept invitations you're not keen on. You take on unreasonable requests. You reply to late-night messages, fighting off sleepiness.

If these are actions you choose yourself, that's fine. However, if you continue doing them out of fear of being disliked for refusing, the relationship itself can easily become a burden.

Eventually, just having plans to meet people makes you feel tired, and even replying becomes a chore. You may find yourself wanting to distance yourself, even though you intended to maintain the relationship. Such dead-ends are possible.

What helps in this scenario is verbalizing the extent to which you can commit.

"Today is difficult, but I can help on Saturday."
"I want to rest tonight, so I'll reply tomorrow."
"I can listen to your story, but I can't handle it on your behalf."

Communicate what you can and cannot do. Consideration for the other person and your own limits can coexist.

Of course, you don't have to prepare an alternative every time. Sometimes, just saying "It's difficult this time" is enough.

Voices on Social Media—"I'm Afraid of Being Alone if I Say No"

Concerns related to this theme are also discussed on the overseas bulletin board-style social media, Reddit. The following is a summary of posts and replies on related topics, not direct responses to the BRIGITTE article.

One poster expressed anxiety that if they stopped accommodating others and set boundaries, they might lose all their current relationships. Even telling a friend that they were hurt by their birthday being forgotten seemed like an act that could ruin the relationship.

A reply shared an experience of feeling lonely after starting to communicate their limits but eventually finding peace.

Another reply questioned, "Is it certain that expressing your feelings will end the friendship, or is it just a fear that it might happen?"

This distinction is important.

There is indeed anxiety in expressing your desires. However, treating a rejection that hasn't happened yet as a confirmed event can cause you to miss the opportunity to discuss it with the other person.

In another thread, there was discussion distinguishing between the kindness of enjoying making others happy and continuously prioritizing others against one's own wishes.

These are individual experiences and thoughts and do not represent the opinions of the entire social media. Nonetheless, they provide clues for considering "being kind to others" and "erasing your own feelings" separately.

You Don't Have to Determine the Value of a Relationship Solely by the Frequency of Contact

Realizing "I'm always the one reaching out" can suddenly make you feel lonely.

However, you don't need to immediately conclude that "I'm not valued." Work or family circumstances, communication habits, and strengths and weaknesses in planning are among the many possibilities behind actions.

What you want to consider is the attitude when actually interacting, in addition to the frequency of contact.

Do they listen to your story as well? Do they respect your reasons when you decline a difficult request? Do they try to discuss when misunderstandings occur?

Conversely, if your wishes are consistently taken lightly or you are blamed every time you refuse, it may be a reason to reconsider the way you interact or the distance you maintain.

Rather than suddenly cutting off contact to test the other person, first try saying, "I'd be happy if you could invite me next time." There are things you can only understand after expressing this.

Include Yourself in the Direction of Your Kindness

The discussion so far is not meant to blame the personality of those who feel lonely.

Human relationships are also influenced by environmental changes, differences in living schedules, and the circumstances of others. Changing how you express yourself doesn't solve everything.

Still, before you continue striving with the thought, "If I do more for others, I won't feel lonely," there are things worth checking.

Are there situations where you can express your wishes?
Can you convey when you're tired?
Can you feel comfortable being together even on days when you're not helpful?

You don't need to abandon kindness. You can treat your own feelings just as you do those of others.

Next time someone asks, "What would you like to do?" take a moment to think before the usual "Anything is fine."

Expressing that small hope might be a step toward nurturing a relationship where you can feel secure.

Sources

1. BRIGITTE: Article on the theme of kindness and loneliness
   https://www.brigitte.de/liebe/einsamkeit--diese-3-eigenschaften-koennen-besonders-nette-menschen-isolieren-14033908.html

2. Reddit/r/self: Consultation on whether setting boundaries will lead to losing relationships
   Concerns about expressing limits, experiences of changing approaches to distance, and replies distinguishing between predictions and facts.reddit.com
   https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/1gceq9y/if_i_set_boundaries_and_stop_being_a_people/

3. Reddit/r/socialskills: Discussion on pleasing others versus suppressing oneself
   Opinions distinguishing between kindness and always prioritizing others against one's own wishes.reddit.com
   https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/16c908t/please_just_help_me_understand_why_people/