"Surveillance" Destroys Children — Are High-Achieving Kids Suffering More? The Pitfalls of Families Where Achievements Become the Currency of Love

The Moment When "Good School, Good Grades, Good Achievements" Become a Child's Only Value

"Grades, rankings, extracurricular activities, resumes—it's as if I was constantly grading my own 'value.'"

In a summary featured on LinkedIn by CNBC, such an impactful passage appears. The writer, who has observed children and families achieving high results over seven years, notes that there have been many instances where children express a feeling of being "monitored." In some families, achievement takes on an excessively large weight, leading children to even question, "Is my parents' love conditional on my achievements?"LinkedIn

This issue resonates not because parents are cold-hearted. Quite the opposite, it's the "good intentions" of wanting to "secure their child's future" and "leave some options in an uncertain society" that inadvertently turn the home into a "factory of achievements." In an interview with the Harvard Gazette, the author prefaces by saying they are not against achievement itself, but warns that when achievement and self-worth become intertwined, creating a state where "without achievement, there is no value," it becomes toxic.Harvard Gazette

The Trend Parents Easily Fall Into: Making Achievements the "Currency of Love"

If one were to summarize the "most concerning trend" indicated in the CNBC summary, it would be this:

The approach of measuring a child's worth by achievements (or showing love through achievements) has become ingrained in daily life. LinkedIn

The tricky part here is that, in many cases, this is conveyed not through "blatant words" but through the "atmosphere."

• Conversations always revolve around "the next test," "grades," "competitions," "qualifications," "achievements."

• The atmosphere at home becomes heavier on days of failure (more reprimands, more silence).

• The "just worried" checks continue all day (Did you submit it? Did you ask the teacher? When will you do it?)

• Praise becomes centered on "results" (Great score! Well done for passing!)

As a result, what children learn is not "to strive," but rather a worldview of **"I am constantly being evaluated."** The CNBC summary also mentioned the feeling of "monitoring grades, rankings, and resumes."LinkedIn

And on this continuum lies perfectionism. The CNBC summary touches on the research trend that this endless chase fosters perfectionism, which can be linked to anxiety and depression.LinkedIn

(Similar points have been repeatedly highlighted in recent psychology media dealing with "toxic achievement culture.")Psychology Today

So, what should parents do? — The Keyword is "Make Home a Refuge"

A symbolic idea from the Harvard Gazette interview is as follows:

Children are immersed in messages from school, social media, and their surroundings that "measure them by performance." Therefore,home needs to be a refuge where they can recover from that pressure.. Harvard Gazette

What is important here is not to "spoil" or "neglect," but tosecure a "safe zone free from evaluation" within the home.

The author further mentions "mattering" as a common factor in families where children grow healthily, which is the sense that one is valued, holds worth, and is needed by someone. This sense of "existential value," separate from achievements, supports resilience to failure and the willingness to take on challenges.Harvard Gazette

Practical Strategy 1: Set Boundaries on "Achievement Talk" (Keep Conversations Uncontaminated)

Among the notable reactions as this article spread on social media is the idea of "rule-setting." A secondary explanation on Medium, based on the CNBC article, introduces a method oflimiting the timing and duration of discussionsto prevent topics like career paths and college entrance exams from eroding family relationships.

For example,

• Do not discuss post-high school plans "until a certain time."

• If discussing, limit it to one hour on weekends (at a time chosen by the child).

• Avoid bringing "checks and interrogations" into other times.

The expression "stop letting drops of anxiety (Did you...? repeated) dominate the car ride or dinner" aptly describes the "contamination of the atmosphere" occurring in many households.Medium

Practical Strategy 2: Visibly Communicate "Unconditional Value"

The same post introduces the metaphor of a crumpled $20 bill. No matter if it's stepped on or wet, its value doesn't change—this is the message about a child's worth.Medium

The key here is to demonstrate this through daily reactions, not just "telling."

• On days with bad scores, first protect their character (offer reassurance before lecturing on results).

• Parents share their own stories of failure (modeling "life goes on even after mistakes" within the family).

• Focus on process and choices over results (What did you learn? What do you want to do next?)

As quoted from a resilience researcher introduced by the author, the direction is "Minimize criticism. Prioritize affection."Harvard Gazette

Practical Strategy 3: First, Strengthen the Parent's "Mental Endurance"

Often overlooked, the Harvard Gazette also discusses the idea that "the primary intervention when a child is struggling is to first stabilize the caregiver (parent)." A parent's resilience is determined by their own relationships and support—meaning that when parents are isolated, the household is more likely to lean towards achievement-oriented thinking.Harvard Gazette

In situations where it feels like "the child is unstable, so the parent must manage more," it's often the opposite; the increase in "management maneuvers" is a result of the parent's depleted capacity. Realizing this alone can change the atmosphere at home.

Reactions on Social Media (Observable Trends)

This topic,posted by CNBC on LinkedIn, spread in the social media context along with keywords like "achievement culture," "perfectionism," and "anxiety/depression."LinkedIn

Within the observable range, reactions are broadly divided into three categories.

1. Empathy/Reflection
   Reactions reflecting on one's own family conversations, such as "This is exactly us," or "What I thought was 'worry' might have been evaluation." The summary's point about "love being tied to achievements" resonates strongly.LinkedIn

2. Structural Criticism
   The viewpoint that says, "Don't blame parents too much. The background includes anxiety over exams, inequality, and the labor market." The Harvard Gazette also discusses how parents become "conduits of societal anxiety."Harvard Gazette

3. Practical Sharing
   Sharing of rules and voice-calling strategies, such as "We set conversation times," or "We focus on daily actions rather than results." "Boundary" strategies like the one-hour-per-week rule spread easily as social media hacks.Medium