The Day You Stop Being the Perfect Parent - Parenting Stress Comes Not from "Doing Too Much" but from "Carrying Too Much"

The Day You Stop Being the Perfect Parent - Parenting Stress Comes Not from "Doing Too Much" but from "Carrying Too Much"

The Key to Making Parenting Easier is the "Courage Not to Be Perfect"—How to Escape "Managing Everything" in Parenting

In the morning, wake the children. Serve breakfast. Check school or daycare items. Look at the communication notebook. Lunch bag, gym clothes, submission documents, extracurricular schedules, dinner ingredients, laundry, weekend plans, family health, refrigerator contents, next shopping trip.

In the minds of parents raising children, invisible tasks are constantly running. Moreover, these tasks do not disappear once completed. While thinking about today's dinner, they remember tomorrow's lunch, check what is needed for next week's event, and even worry about whether their child's shoes have become too small. A family's day is established by someone's "awareness" and "anticipation."

The German newspaper "Kreiszeitung" highlighted how trying to control everything drains parents' mental energy. The article's focus is not on suggesting that parents should abandon responsibility. Quite the opposite. To truly cherish the family, parents need to avoid shouldering everything alone, gradually share responsibilities, and trust others' methods.


Why Parents Feel Anxious If They Don't Oversee Everything

In parenting, the desire to control is natural. Parents want to prevent their children from facing difficulties. They don't want their children to feel embarrassed by forgetting things. Parents care about many things, including meals, sleep, studies, friendships, health, and the future.

The problem is that this concern can gradually turn into the belief that they must oversee everything.

In a household, there are visible and invisible tasks. Tasks like washing dishes, hanging laundry, and picking up children are visible. On the other hand, thoughts like "the detergent is running low," "the deadline for the field trip application is approaching," "the child might be tired recently," and "let's send photos to the grandparents" are less visible.

This invisible management work is known as the mental load. Before any physical action is taken, someone notices, thinks, plans, and remembers to ensure nothing is forgotten. The smoother a household appears to run, the more invisible mental labor is behind it.

And often, this burden is not evenly distributed within the family. When one person becomes the "commander of the entire family," they appear to others as "someone who notices everything" or "a responsible person." However, internally, their mind never stops, even when resting.


"It's Faster If I Do It Myself" Pushes Parents to the Edge

There is a common phrase among parents who cannot let go of responsibility.

"In the end, it's faster if I do it myself."

Indeed, it's quicker when someone familiar with the tasks does them. Whether it's the child's belongings, household chores, or scheduling, someone who regularly manages these can handle them smoothly. However, continuing this mindset concentrates the burden on one person indefinitely.

Even if you ask your partner, their method is different. If you entrust it to your child, it takes time. If you ask the grandparents, it might not meet your standards. So, you end up intervening, correcting, and eventually doing it yourself.

At first glance, it seems like maintaining the quality of the household, but in the long run, it deprives you of rest opportunities and prevents those around you from growing.

What matters is not having things done "your way." It's having the leeway to think, "As long as there are no major problems, it's fine."

It's okay if the child's clothing combinations are a bit different. It's okay if the partner's dinner doesn't match the usual nutritional balance. It's okay if the way things are packed is different from yours. Even if everything doesn't meet your standards, the household won't fall apart.


Letting Go Does Not Mean Neglecting the Child

When people hear "letting go of control," they might think it sounds irresponsible. However, letting go here does not mean becoming indifferent to the child or family.

Rather, it is an active choice to avoid shouldering all the family's responsibilities alone.

For example, assign age-appropriate roles to children. A small child can set chopsticks on the table, put laundry in the basket, or prepare their own water bottle. As they grow older, they can check their belongings for the next day, manage their extracurricular tools, or help with simple cooking.

At first, they will fail. They will forget. It will take time. What a parent could do in an instant, a child will take much longer to accomplish. Still, this experience connects the child to the feeling that "I am also a member of the family."

The same applies when entrusting tasks to a partner. Simply handing over a task with "do this" keeps the manager role with you. The important thing is to entrust the entire process, not just the task.

For example, if you entrust "preparing for the excursion day," include checking belongings, necessary shopping, and morning reminders. If you entrust "the child's dentist appointment," include making the appointment, scheduling, accompanying on the day, and making the next appointment.

There will always be moments when you want to intervene. However, if you intervene every time, the other person will remain a "helper" and never become "someone responsible."


Empathy for "Mental Load" Spreads on Social Media

 

The SNS reactions discussed in this article are not direct comments on the original article but rather trends seen in public posts and forums on similar themes such as "parental mental load," "invisible burdens within the family," and "the difficulty of delegating."

On social media, voices of empathy like "I understand too well" stand out. Especially in communities of mothers raising children or working parents, concerns like "my husband helps with chores, but I have to decide what and when to do them" and "the burden remains because they don't act without explanation" are repeatedly voiced.

These reactions indicate fatigue that cannot be measured by the quantity of housework or childcare alone. It's not just about whether the dishes were washed or the children were picked up, but "who noticed," "who remembered the schedule," and "who anticipated and planned."

On the other hand, in communities of fathers or partners, there are voices saying, "If you're going to delegate, accept different methods." For instance, if the child's nap time shifts slightly or the breakfast content differs from usual, immediate rejection makes it difficult for the person entrusted to act independently.

This is an important perspective. To share the mental load, the person delegating needs the strength to allow different methods. Of course, matters involving safety or health are exceptions, but many daily tasks do not have a single correct answer.

Additionally, in response to opinions that "only mothers bear the burden," there are supplementary or opposing views like "fathers also bear different burdens," "single parents bear everything alone," and "burden imbalances occur even in same-sex couples." The mental load is not just a gender issue but arises from the interplay of family roles, income, working hours, upbringing, and societal expectations.

Furthermore, many voices express that "individual efforts alone have limits." While it's important for parents to let go of perfectionism, if support from childcare, schools, workplaces, and communities is lacking, household efforts alone cannot keep up. Parents are not exhausted because they lack ability, but because they are expected to fulfill too many roles.


Parental Fatigue is Not "Lack of Love" but "Excessive Constant Operation"

When parents find themselves irritated, many blame themselves.

"I wanted to be kinder."
"I got too angry with the child."
"Other families are more organized."

However, parental fatigue is often not due to a lack of love. Rather, it is because of love that they notice too much, think too much, and take on too much.

Anticipating for the family is indeed considerate. However, when anticipation becomes constant operation, the mind never rests. Even during idle times, the mind keeps working, wondering, "Did I forget something?" or "Will tomorrow be okay?"

Originally, a household is not a project run solely by parents. It is a living space where all family members are slightly involved. Of course, the range of what can be entrusted varies with the child's age. However, if parents continue to shoulder everything, both parents and children become accustomed to a life where "someone else arranges everything."

Letting go is not just for the parent's ease. It is also necessary for children to develop life skills.


Small Practices for "Letting Go" You Can Start Today

Even when letting go of control, there's no need to drastically change the family system all at once. Rather, starting with small practices is more sustainable.

First, write down the tasks that are only in your head. Shopping, schedule management, school-related matters, children's health, dealing with relatives, seasonal events, household finances, cleaning, extracurricular activities. When you write them down, you'll realize, "I've been remembering so many things."

Next, choose just one of those tasks to completely delegate. The key is to hand over "from start to finish," not just "part of the task." For example, weekend lunch duty, returning library books for the child, preparing for extracurricular activities, or restocking daily necessities—small areas are fine.

Then, don't immediately grade the task you delegated. Even if it's done differently from your way, first observe. Even if some inconvenience occurs, as long as it's not fatal, accept it as experience.

Finally, share a family standard that "it's okay not to be perfect." It's okay if the room isn't tidy every day. It's okay if there's a day without a perfectly balanced meal. It's okay if you rush to prepare submissions the day before.

What a household needs is not to score full marks all the time, but to function in a sustainable way.


Parents Also Have the "Right to Be Cared For"

When it comes to parenting, the focus tends to be on how to raise children. However, if the parents supporting the children are completely exhausted, the household will not remain stable for long.

Parents have the right to rest. They have the right to ask for help. They have the right to say it's impossible today. Continuously putting oneself last for the family is not necessarily a condition for being a good parent.

Rather, acknowledging that parents "can't do everything" is an important lesson for children. People don't have to shoulder everything alone. It's okay to live by helping each other. It's okay to try again after failing. Even if not perfect, the family continues.

This sense becomes the foundation for children not to push themselves too hard in the future.


From "Managing Love" to "Trusting Love"

The background to why parents can't let go of control is love. They don't want their children to struggle. They want to protect their family. They want to keep life organized. That sentiment itself is noble.

However, love doesn't have to take the form of management.

Sometimes, entrusting is love. Watching over is love. Allowing failure is love. Taking a break is also love to support the family long-term.

A household is not something kept perfect by one parent's effort. It is something that each family member, in their imperfect way, contributes to and gradually shapes.

Parents who think "I must do everything perfectly" should pause and reflect.

Is it really something you have to do right now?
Isn't it something you can delegate even if it's done differently?
Is it really a problem if it's not perfect?

When parents stop holding onto everything, a little space is created in the family. In that space, rest, conversation, and laughter return.

What is needed in parenting is not the power to control everything. It is the power to trust the family, even on days when things don't go well.


Source URL

Related Articles