Is This Love a Support or a Dependency? ― Even Though I Should Be in Love, Why Am I Losing Myself?

Love fulfills people. Yet, sometimes it can also leave them empty.

Romantic relationships are inherently meant to enrich life. They allow us to connect with someone, ease daily anxieties, and reduce the chill of loneliness. However, on the flip side, love can sometimes blur our boundaries. Before we know it, our partner's mood becomes our weather, the speed of their replies determines our worth, and the time apart transforms into the fear of being abandoned. This is precisely the moment when "closeness" slowly turns into confinement, as indicated in the original article by WELT.

Emotional dependency doesn't begin like a dramatic story. Initially, it's just the thought, "I don't want to lose this person." The desire to be more understood, more needed, and more special is natural. The problem arises when that desire eventually morphs into "I can't be okay without this person."

The boundary between "liking" and "dependency" is more ambiguous than we think.

Medically and psychologically, such relationships are often discussed in terms of "codependency" or "anxious attachment." The Cleveland Clinic describes a codependent relationship as one where one person excessively invests time, energy, and attention into the other, resulting in a significant imbalance of power.

Similarly, the Cleveland Clinic characterizes anxious attachment as an unstable attachment style marked by "fear of abandonment," "fear of rejection," and a "strong need for reassurance." This can be intensified by inconsistent care in childhood or subsequent experiences of loss and ambiguous separations. Behaviors such as feeling anxious when a response is delayed, consistently prioritizing the partner's needs over one's own, and struggling to set boundaries cannot simply be dismissed as a "giving nature."

The tricky part is that this state can easily appear to the person as "proof of deep love." Thinking about the partner constantly, becoming sensitive to their slightest changes, and feeling intense anxiety at even a hint of distance may seem like a passionate romance on the surface. However, in reality, it might be a case where one cannot maintain themselves without the partner.

Dependency progresses by reorganizing the world around the partner.

As emotional dependency deepens, people gradually begin to shift the center of their lives. They prioritize their partner over commitments with friends, transform the time spent on hobbies into time waiting for a reply, and choose answers that won't upset their partner over their own opinions. What starts as "compromise" eventually turns into "self-reduction."

The Cleveland Clinic notes that those with anxious attachment often exhibit low self-worth, a strong need for approval, intense distress over separation, and difficulty with boundaries. At the core of dependency is not the amount of love but whether one can support their own sense of worth.

At first glance, such a relationship may seem intimate. Communication is frequent, there's a lot of care, and they pay close attention to each other. However, internally, anxiety rather than affection takes the lead. The stronger the fear of being disliked, abandoned, or returning to solitude, the more people choose "words to hold on" rather than their "true feelings."

The "relatable" voices overflowing on social media

This theme resonates with many because the experiences are so commonplace. Social media and online communities are filled with posts that seem to verbalize the contours of emotional dependency. For instance, in Reddit's anxious attachment community, there are voices saying, "I feel relieved when I get a reply, but that relief quickly fades, and I become anxious again when there's no reply." It's the feeling of one's heart rising and falling with each response, unable to stop the cycle.

Another post describes how "every time a relationship starts, hobbies and goals disappear, and I replace myself with the partner's interests. My own boundaries become blurred." Additionally, after a breakup, some express, "I focused so much on the relationship that I no longer know what I liked." The fear of emotional dependency might be less about the relationship breaking down and more about realizing afterward that one lost themselves within it.

Discussions about reassurance are also symbolic. Posts like "I can't feel at ease unless my partner says 'it's okay'" and "even when reassured, it only works temporarily and instead invites the next anxiety" indicate that dependency is linked not to a lack of "wanted words" but to a lack of the ability to handle one's anxiety. Another user writes, "While a partner's support is welcome, it's also necessary to make an effort to manage one's emotions," and recent threads highlight advice like "first, get yourself together. Walking, journaling, meditation, and therapy can help if needed."

Of course, these are individual experiences shared on social media and do not represent comprehensive data. However, they still hold value. Emotional dependency is a problem that is difficult to see from the outside and exists intensely within the person. Before statistics, people can only pause when they feel, "That might be me."

What is truly dangerous is not "being unable to leave" but "losing oneself."

Dependency is often described with obvious signs like possessiveness, jealousy, monitoring, and over-involvement. However, we must not overlook the quieter signs that precede these.

For example, always adapting to the partner and being unable to immediately answer what you want to eat. Being unable to use the time apart for yourself. Assuming it's your fault if the partner is in a bad mood, even without knowing the reason. Being afraid to say no. Even when feeling uncomfortable, prioritizing "not wanting to be seen as heavy" or "not wanting to be seen as troublesome." When these small acts of self-abandonment accumulate, the relationship becomes not "for both," but a stage for "continuously adapting to the partner."

Healthy relationships coexist with intimacy and autonomy. The NHS also states that good, supportive relationships are important for mental health and that "the relationship with oneself" is included in that premise. In other words, not only the ability to connect with the partner but also the ability to maintain oneself is a condition for healthy intimacy.

So, how can one escape from the "prison of closeness"?

The first necessity is to see if "I love this person" is mixed with "I'm clinging because I'm afraid of losing this person." Romantic feelings and fear of abandonment often speak in the same voice, but they are different things.

Second, it's about restoring balance in your life beyond the partner. Friends, work, hobbies, exercise, sleep, and alone time. While these are commonplace, what is needed to escape dependency is not dramatic methods but the task of restoring the balance of life. Transforming the time spent waiting for a reply into time spent without waiting. This small repetition nurtures the sense that "I won't crumble even without the partner."

Third, it's not about eliminating reassurance but rather "not leaving everything to the partner." Expressions of love are necessary, and mutual support is important. However, if you entrust the ultimate responsibility for your anxiety to the partner, the relationship quickly becomes burdensome. The partner is a lover, not an emotional first-aid kit.

Finally, if you can't handle it alone, seek professional help. On social media, voices repeatedly emphasize the effectiveness of self-regulation and therapy. Dependency is often not a matter of weak will but a pattern of anxiety repeated within the relationship. Therefore, what is needed is not a theory of perseverance but the ability to recognize patterns and learn alternative responses.

To avoid losing oneself in love

Love is not about merging with someone. It is about maintaining your boundaries while getting closer. It is about valuing your own time, emotions, and dignity as much as you value your partner.

If you currently feel that "a single word from the partner determines your day," "you can't focus on anything just because you can't meet," or "you're making yourself smaller to avoid being disliked," it might not be because your love is deep but because your anxiety is deepening. Emotional dependency is not a badge of the strength of love. It's a warning that you're gradually handing over the steering wheel of your life to your partner.

Closeness should inherently be a source of comfort, not a prison. When you feel suffocated in love, the question to reconsider is not just "Does my partner love me?" but also "Am I still myself in this relationship?" Facing this question is the first step back to intimacy, not dependency.

Source URL

1. WELT. An article presenting emotional dependency as an issue that can occur in both parent-child and romantic relationships.
   https://www.welt.de/iconist/partnerschaft/plus69931680920e7fffb6a7446b/beziehung-gefangen-in-der-naehe-wie-emotionale-abhaengigkeit-schleichend-entsteht.html

2. An article by the Cleveland Clinic explaining the characteristics of codependent relationships, using the explanation of power imbalance and one person excessively investing time and energy in the other.
   https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs

3. An article by the Cleveland Clinic explaining the characteristics and background of anxious attachment, using explanations of fear of abandonment, need for reassurance, and inconsistent care in childhood.
   https://health.clevelandclinic.org/anxious-attachment-style

4. An article by the Cleveland Clinic explaining various attachment styles, using explanations of low self-esteem, strong need for approval, and intense distress over separation often seen in people with anxious attachment.
   https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/25170-attachment-styles

5. An NHS article explaining the relationship between healthy relationships and mental health, using explanations of the importance of good relationships and "the relationship with oneself."
   https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/lifes-challenges/maintaining-healthy-relationships-and-mental-wellbeing/

6. Example of reactions on social media and online communities①. A Reddit post discussing the cycle of feeling reassured by replies and anxious again in their absence.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/comments/et5lo3/that_feeling_when_you_get_a_textvalidation/

7. Example of reactions on social media and online communities②. A Reddit post discussing the feeling of losing hobbies, goals, and self-identity with each new relationship.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/comments/1jpzt0o/how_do_i_stay_in_a_relationship_without_losing/

8. Example of reactions on social media and online communities③. A Reddit post discussing losing self-awareness after a breakup due to being too absorbed in the relationship.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/Codependency/comments/1csanbr/i_completely_lost_myself_in_her_and_she_broke_up/

9. Example of reactions on social media and online communities④. A Reddit post discussing the feeling that reassurance becomes a temporary fix, ultimately intensifying anxiety.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/comments/146csxw/when_is_asking_for_reassurance_bad/

10. Example of reactions on social media and online communities⑤. A Reddit comment stating that while a partner's support is welcome, one must also make an effort to manage their emotions.
    https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/comments/1ifmyft/feeling_unregulatedanxious_when_the_person_im/

11. Example of reactions on social media and online communities⑥. A recent Reddit comment recommending the effectiveness of self-regulation, walking, journaling, meditation, and therapy.
    https://www.reddit.com/r/LongDistance/comments/1rg2ecd/anxious_attachment_and_emotional_dependency/