"Why a 'Self-Reliant Life' is Comfortable Yet Leads to Loneliness — The Psychology Behind Why It's Hard to Make Close Friends"

"Why a 'Self-Reliant Life' is Comfortable Yet Leads to Loneliness — The Psychology Behind Why It's Hard to Make Close Friends"

Common Traits of People Who Have Friends but an "Empty Best Friend Slot"

You have more contacts, but when you're feeling down, there's no one who immediately comes to mind. You can laugh at parties and get along well at work. Yet, on the way home, you suddenly think, "I haven't deeply connected with anyone"—many people experience this feeling.


The original article points out that having few friends doesn't equate to low sociability. Instead, it suggests that "premature independence (hyper-independence)" narrows the pathways to intimacy. Learning from a young age that "doing it myself is faster," "relying on others is a burden," and "showing weakness leads to more trouble" can leave these methods as the "optimal solution" even in adulthood.


What's important here is that premature independence is also a "skill." The ability to manage life, solve problems, remain calm, and be responsible are all strengths that are easily valued in society. This makes it easy for both the individual and those around them to assume "there's no problem." However, the ingredients necessary for deepening friendships are often more about **mutual dependence (the back-and-forth of relying and being relied upon)** than abilities.


10 Habits Formed by Premature Independence That Make It Hard to Increase Close Friends

Based on the content of the original article, these habits are likely to manifest in everyday situations.


1) You act on your own before asking for help, taking the shortest route

You unconsciously calculate the "cost of explaining the request," "waiting time," and "possibility of being declined." As a result, you always resolve things within yourself, leaving no room for others to step in.

2) You're strong in "emergencies," but weak in building relationships during "normal times"

You rush to help when trouble arises and are good at organizing. However, you're not good at reaching out with a "How are you?" when nothing is happening. Intimacy grows more in "mundane daily life" than in "events," but this is often missing.

3) When hurt, you first think about "how to fix it"

Sadness leads to analyzing the cause and finding solutions rather than talking to someone. You're quick to rebuild yourself, but the habit of "sharing feelings" doesn't develop easily.

4) You minimize your needs, making others think you're "unnecessary"

When "I'm fine" becomes a catchphrase, others hesitate to step in. While someone who doesn't rely on others may seem easygoing, they also appear as "someone whose approach is unknown."

5) You overvalue independence as a virtue

Independence is wonderful. However, friendship is not a competition of "independence completion." A moderate amount of dependence and vulnerability softens relationships.

6) Your life is perfectly designed to "function without anyone"

Your schedule, finances, and routines don't align with anyone. This leads to relationships that aren't troubled by absence, making it difficult for "deepening necessity" to arise.

7) You create a safe zone with "If I don't expect, I won't be disappointed"

Not expecting from others is a technique to reduce pain. However, without expectations, trust doesn't grow. Trust develops through "a little expectation" and "a little success experience."

8) Being someone's "most reliable person" feels burdensome

The stronger your sense of responsibility, the more you brace yourself with the anticipation of "having to bear it again." Being relied upon is not equated with being loved but rather with having more burdens.

9) Showing weakness feels like becoming "unstable"

Expressing emotions seems like losing control, so you try to remain calm. However, intimacy can't be built on "calmness" alone. It's by showing the parts that waver that closeness is achieved, but those parts are sealed away.

10) You tend to choose "natural disappearance" rather than chasing when relationships fade

When schedules don't align, replies are slow, or things are awkward, you withdraw instead of saying "let's talk" or "let's make it up." The feeling that chasing is undignified robs the chance to repair the relationship.


Reactions on Social Media: A Theme That Evokes Both Empathy and Rejection

Such topics generally split opinions on social media, and this time was no different.

Empathy Side: "That's about me..."

On forums, many shared experiences of "carrying everything alone became the norm" and "never learned how to ask for help," often rooted in childhood family environments or isolation at school.


Additionally, voices expressed that "while independence is a strength, I feel I must do something amazing to be loved" and "I was afraid to share burdens, so I didn't make friends," highlighting a weight that can't be dismissed as mere personality traits.

Rejection Side: "Isn't it enough to have a few deep friends?"

On the other hand, there are rebuttals like "I dislike the premise that having few friends is a problem" and "There's too much linking of neurodiversity and temperament to 'trauma.'"
Furthermore, some critique, "If 'psychology says,' then show evidence like peer-reviewed papers." They point out that empathy as reading material and the presentation of scientific evidence are separate issues.


This division is natural because the state of having "few close friends" includes at least three types.

  • Those who are satisfied with a small number of friends (quality over quantity)

  • Those who physically can't maintain relationships due to busyness or environmental factors

  • Those who truly want close friends but can't take steps to get closer (sometimes involving hyper-independence)


The article mainly resonates with the third group. When it reaches those who are "not troubled" as a "fix-it story," it tends to provoke backlash. This gap is amplified on social media.


So, How Can You Regain "Intimacy"?

From here, we'll discuss "practical exercises" based on the article's flow. The key is not to dive into deep conversations immediately but to increase small mutual dependencies.


1) Make just one "micro request"

It doesn't have to be a heavy consultation, just a very light request.
Example: Ask for a recommendation / Have someone listen to a small complaint for five minutes / Send "This made me happy today."
Teach your body that "relying on others = relationship breathing," not "relying = burden."

2) Share "ordinary days" rather than crises

Intimacy grows through habits, not events. A short monthly walk, coffee at the same place, a 10-minute call on the way home. Small repetitions are more effective than big plans.small repetitions are effective.

3) Slightly change how you say "I'm fine"

Just saying "I'm fine" closes the door.
"I'm fine. But I want you to listen a little."
"I'm mostly fine, but I feel a bit lonely today."
This "just a little" becomes the entrance for others.

4) Remove "winning and losing" from relationship repairs

When misunderstandings occur, it's not embarrassing to pursue them; it's about adjusting because you value them.
"Saying 'I'm sorry about the other day, can we talk again?' is not dependence but adjustment."


Finally: You Don't Have to Let Go of Independence, Just Thin the "Armor"

Premature independence has been a function that protected you. Therefore, it doesn't need to be denied.


However, the depth of friendship doesn't increase with just the "strength to stand alone." The courage to slightly crumble in front of someone, the skill to entrust a little to someone—these two nurture intimacy over a long time.


Having "few best friends" isn't inherently bad, but if you "truly want to get closer but can't take the steps," then practice those steps in small ways. It's not about abandoning independence, but adding connections on top of independence. When you can feel that, the number of places your heart belongs will increase more than the number of friends.


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