Is "Enduring for the Sake of the Children" True? Four Misconceptions that Trap People in Unhappy Marriages

A long-lasting marriage does not necessarily mean a peaceful relationship.

Even if a couple lives in the same house, sits at the same dining table, and appears to be a "normal couple" from the outside, years of anger, disappointment, silence, and tension may have accumulated inside the home. Just hearing the partner's footsteps can make the body tense. As the time for their return home approaches, anxiety builds up. A casual remark can spark an argument. Many people live such daily lives.

In particular, in long-term problematic marital relationships, complex forces are at play that cannot be explained solely by whether or not there is love between the individuals. Guilt towards children, economic anxiety, fear of loneliness, resignation to age, social appearance, and pressure from relatives. Above all, the belief that "having endured this long, it's too late to change now."

For example, there is a woman who has lived with a husband struggling with alcohol dependency for many years. To protect her family, she has hidden alcohol, monitored her husband's actions, checked his whereabouts, and repeatedly encouraged treatment. Each time, her husband promises, "I won't drink anymore," but after a while, the same thing happens again. Promises, disappointment, anger, self-loathing. In this cycle, she herself has become mentally and physically exhausted.

What she truly sought was a "way to change her husband." However, regardless of addiction, a person cannot be completely controlled from the outside unless they have the will to change themselves. What is needed is not how to change the partner, but the process of deciding how much one will bear and where to draw the line.

But it's not that simple. Many fears quickly come to her mind. "If I divorce, it will hurt the children," "Being alone at this age means the end," "It's too late for a new life," "I've endured this long, I should be able to endure a little longer." From the outside, these words may seem like "misconceptions," but to the person in the midst of it, they feel like reality itself.

It's easy to blame those who can't escape an unhappy marriage. But what is needed is not criticism. It's about re-examining the "painful lies" behind why people remain in difficult relationships.

1. The Misconception that "Divorce Will Destroy the Children"

The most commonly cited reason for staying in an unhappy marriage is "for the sake of the children."

Of course, divorce doesn't leave children unaffected. Their living environment changes. The time spent with parents changes. Relocation or changing schools may be necessary. If parental conflict is intense, children may feel caught in the middle. Therefore, it's not a matter of taking divorce lightly.

However, the belief that "divorce itself will inevitably destroy the children" is an overly simplified view.

On social media and forums, there are many voices to the contrary. On the English-speaking forum Reddit, there is a thread asking "children whose parents stayed in an unhappy marriage" whether they were glad their parents stayed together or wished they had separated. Responses such as "I've wanted my parents to divorce since I was a child," "The tension and anger at home are felt by the children," and "The phrase 'staying together for the children' was more painful" are prominent.

This is an important perspective. Children are much more attuned to the atmosphere at home than parents realize. Even if they don't hear shouting, there is a cold silence. Even if they don't witness arguments directly, they become anxious from their parents' expressions and tone of voice. A situation where parents harbor hatred while living under the same roof can teach children that "family means enduring" and "love means continuous endurance."

Psychological media also point out that parental divorce does not always have a destructive impact on children, and that an environment where parents hate and constantly fight each other can be more distressing for children. Thus, the issue is not just a binary choice of "divorce or continuation." The question is what truly provides a safe and predictable environment for the children.

Of course, if parental conflict continues after divorce, the burden on children does not lessen. Hearing one parent badmouth the other, being used as a messenger, being drawn into taking sides, and using child support or visitation as emotional tools can hurt children regardless of whether a divorce occurs.

Therefore, the important thing is not "not divorcing" itself, but not placing children in the battlefield of adult conflicts. Sometimes, peaceful separation or divorce can provide more reassurance to children than a cold war-like cohabitation. Conversely, if reconciliation is possible and the couple can genuinely face each other, rebuilding the relationship is also an option.

Before saying "for the sake of the children," consider whether children truly wish to grow up in a home filled with anger and silence.

2. The Misconception that "It's Too Late at My Age"

The longer someone stays in an unhappy marriage, the more they tend to be bound by the phrase "it's too late now."

"Divorcing in your 50s is too late."
"Being alone in your 60s is scary."
"If you're in your 70s, it's fine as it is."
"If I were younger, I could start over, but now it's impossible."

However, considering the length of modern life, this "it's too late now" doesn't necessarily align with reality.

According to French statistics, by 2025, the average life expectancy is expected to reach the late 80s for women and the early 80s for men. Furthermore, at age 60, women have an average of about 28 years of life remaining, and men about 24 years. In other words, 60 is not the end of life, but an age where there is likely more than 20 years left.

Even when translated to Japan, this sense is similar. The phrase "100-year life era" is sometimes used lightly, but at least viewing the 50s and 60s as "the end" is out of sync with the modern sense of lifespan.

Of course, separation or divorce later in life presents realistic challenges. Housing, living expenses, pensions, caregiving, family relationships, chronic illnesses, and loneliness. There are difficulties different from those faced when younger. For those who have been homemakers for many years, relied on their partner's income, or are in environments with strong local or familial scrutiny, the decision to leave is not easy.

Still, "difficult" and "impossible" are different.

On social media, opinions on divorce after middle age are divided. On one hand, there are voices saying, "I wish I had decided sooner." On the other hand, there are realistic warnings like "jumping out without economic preparation is dangerous" and "don't underestimate the loneliness after divorce." Both are correct. Therefore, what's needed is not an impulsive decision, but gathering information, finding support, and planning one's life.

Thinking "because I'm old now" can make people close doors before exploring options. But there might be 20 years left from the 50s, 15 years from the 60s, and nearly 10 years from the 70s. Will you spend that time in daily tension, or will you seek a path to live more peacefully?

Age can be a reason to be cautious in making decisions. However, it doesn't need to be a reason to give up on oneself.

3. The Misconception that "I Can't Build New Relationships at This Age"

When considering divorce or separation, many people fear loneliness.

"I'm afraid of eating alone."
"Not having someone to talk to on holidays."
"Who will help me if I get sick?"
"I'm no longer seen as a romantic interest."

This fear is very human. Those who have felt lonely even while living with someone may ironically fear "being alone" even more. Even if a long marriage wasn't happy, it has a familiar rhythm. Even anger towards the partner becomes part of daily life. The familiar suffering may seem safer than the unknown loneliness.

However, looking at recent surveys and societal changes, it's clear that life after middle age is not an era where "once separated, it's over."

Research by INED shows that separations and new relationships among those over 50 have increased, and among those born in the 1960s, one in four had already experienced multiple cohabitations by age 50. This indicates that reviewing relationships and forming new partnerships in the latter half of life has become more common than before.

Moreover, the spread of the internet, social media, and messaging apps is significant. According to 2025 data from France, a certain number of people aged 65-74 use email, messaging, and video calls, and smartphone use among those over 70 is increasing yearly. Meeting places are no longer limited to workplaces, family, neighbors, or introductions by friends as in the past.

That said, the important thing here is not to insist on "finding a new romance."

Happiness after divorce is not necessarily measured only by remarriage or romance. Being able to sleep peacefully in a quiet room. Eating without fearing someone's mood. Regaining time to meet friends. Restarting hobbies. Being able to decide one's own schedule. These small freedoms can be a significant recovery for those who have endured a long and difficult marriage.

On social media, regarding starting anew after divorce, voices like "I finally regained my own breathing," "I'm no longer afraid to go home," and "Time alone has become peaceful, not lonely" are more striking than "I found a new partner."

In other words, the question is not just "can I find the next partner," but also "can I reclaim a place to live as myself."

New relationships are not limited to romance. They include connections with friends, children, siblings, the community, hobby groups, and professionals. Most importantly, it includes rebuilding the relationship with oneself.

4. The Misconception that "I'm Used to It, So It's Okay"

When an unhappy relationship continues for a long time, people become accustomed to the pain.

What initially seemed unbearable, like verbal abuse, eventually feels like "today was better." Reading the partner's mood becomes a habit. Choosing words that don't provoke becomes unconscious. Swallowing one's true feelings. Closing off emotions. Even when health issues persist, attributing it to "age," "work," or "being weak."

However, being accustomed to something is not the same as not being hurt.

Chronic stress affects not only the mind but also the body. Stress responses involve hormones like cortisol, and long-term effects can negatively impact memory, cognitive function, sleep, immunity, and blood pressure, as research indicates. The burden of prolonged stress cannot be ignored, especially as one ages.

Stress from marital relationships is unique because the home, which should be the safest place, becomes a place of tension. No matter how hard one works outside, returning home means reading the partner's mood again. Anxiety continues until just before sleep, and the weight is felt from the moment one wakes up. This leaves no time for the body to rest.

Those who say "I'm used to it" may actually be deeply exhausted. The ability to feel anger may have weakened, and resignation might only appear as "calmness."

On social media, posts from those who have experienced long unhappy marriages include voices like "I only realized how tense I was after leaving," "I would brace myself at any sound in the house," and "My health changed once I could sleep peacefully." Stress that wasn't noticeable in the midst becomes apparent only after gaining distance.

Of course, not all unhappy marriages should lead to divorce. Counseling, treatment, discussions, separation, family meetings, legal consultations, and financial preparations vary depending on the situation. In cases of addiction, violence, psychological abuse, or economic control, it's important not to try to solve it solely through personal effort but to connect with specialized agencies or support services.

Instead of thinking "I'm used to it, so it's okay," ask yourself, "Am I really okay?" Recovery begins only from there.

Another Reality Revealed by Social Media Reactions

The reason this theme gathers reactions on social media is likely because many people have experienced similar silences within their families.

On forums and comment sections, three main reactions stand out.

The first is the voice of children saying, "I wish my parents had divorced sooner." They express that the constant unhappiness, arguments, cold atmosphere, and condescending attitudes were more painful than the divorce itself. Children learn how to manage relationships and express love through their parents' interactions. Therefore, tension within the family is not merely an "adult issue."

The second is the cautious voice saying, "Divorce doesn't solve everything." Those who have experienced post-divorce poverty, custody battles, housing issues, relationships with new partners, and changes in children's lives warn against hasty decisions. This is a very important perspective. Leaving is not the goal but the start of a new life.

The third is the voice of experience saying, "Peace can still be regained." Those who have left long-standing dissatisfaction or controlling relationships speak of initial loneliness and anxiety but write about regaining their senses over time. Some found new romances, while others valued living alone more than romance. The common realization is that "being in an unhappy relationship" and "being alone" are not the same.

Voices on social media are not statistics. They are personal experiences and can sometimes be biased. Nonetheless, they contain a sense of life that cannot be seen in numbers alone. The voices of those who have long suffered within their families can be a trigger for someone similarly troubled to realize, "I'm not alone."

 

Re-evaluating Unhappy Marriages is Not a Denial of Marriage

What must not be misunderstood here is that discussing unhappy marriages is not a denial of the institution of marriage itself.

Long-lasting marital relationships indeed have value. Relationships that have overcome difficulties, accepted mutual changes, and supported each other are precious. For children, the presence of reliable parents is a significant support.

However, longevity and healthiness are not the same.

Even if a couple appears to be "an admirable couple" from the outside, internally, one may have been enduring for a long time, the other not making efforts to change, and dialogue and respect may have been lost. Calling this state "successful because it continues" is too rough.

What is truly necessary is not to hastily decide whether to continue or end the marriage, but to look at what the current relationship brings to oneself and the family.

Is there peace in this home?
Can you express your opinions in front of your partner?
Are the children constantly reading the adults' moods?
Are health issues or insomnia persisting?
Are you spending most of your life trying to change your partner?
Are you closing off your future by thinking "because I'm old now"?