Why Do We Feel Drained Around People Who Seem "Pitiful"?—Exploring the Psychology of "Covert Narcissists" and Voices on Social Media

When people hear "narcissist," they often imagine someone who is overly confident, attention-seeking, and looks down on others. They talk only about themselves, expect praise as a given, and get angry when criticized. Indeed, such "obvious narcissism" exists.

However, the problem can sometimes approach more quietly.

At first glance, they seem modest, vulnerable, and lacking in self-esteem. They talk about their misfortunes, lament the coldness of those around them, and say things like "I'm just not good enough." This makes others feel like they want to protect them, comfort them rather than blame them, and feel guilty when trying to distance themselves.

Yet, over time, you find yourself inexplicably exhausted just being around them. If you express an opinion, they get hurt; if you talk about your success, they dampen it; if you share your troubles, they overshadow it with greater misfortune. Before you know it, not upsetting, not depressing, and not being perceived as abandoning them becomes the center of your life.

This is a common pattern in relationships with so-called "covert narcissists" or "vulnerable narcissism."

Of course, what's important here is not to hastily label someone with a diagnosis. Narcissistic tendencies and the medical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder are not the same. Everyone seeks validation at times, can be hurt by criticism, and has nights of self-pity. Therefore, it's risky to label someone as a narcissist based on a single behavior.

Still, if in a certain relationship, your emotions and boundaries are repeatedly violated, and you feel your self-worth diminishing, it's better not to overlook that discomfort.

What's "hidden" is not confidence but a form of control

A covert narcissist isn't necessarily bold. On the contrary, they may outwardly appear anxious, sensitive, reserved, and self-deprecating. This is where it gets tricky.

With someone who is overtly controlling, others can easily be cautious. But with someone who appears weak, always seems hurt, or talks about past sufferings, sympathy often precedes caution.

However, even if they appear weak on the surface, if their inner desires shift from "wanting to be understood" and "wanting to be cherished" to "wanting to be prioritized," "wanting to be accepted without criticism," and "wanting the world to revolve around their pain," the relationship quickly becomes unhealthy.

Even though you're supposed to be supporting their struggles, they don't listen to yours. Even though you're supposed to be accepting their anxieties, when you express your limits, you're accused of being "cold" or "abandoning" them. In such cases, sympathy becomes a tool for control.

What's "hidden" may not be narcissism itself but the method of control.

Sign 1: Perceiving Criticism as an "Attack"

A major characteristic of covert narcissists is hypersensitivity to criticism.

For example, even if you just ask them to keep a promise, they might respond with, "Am I really that bad?" or "I guess I'm just a terrible person," and become extremely depressed. Alternatively, they might quietly become sulky, cut off contact, and make you feel guilty. What was supposed to be a discussion suddenly divides into "the one who hurt" and "the one who was hurt."

This type doesn't necessarily yell or intimidate. Rather, their seemingly weak reactions make you think, "I shouldn't have said anything." As a result, those around them can't speak honestly.

In a healthy relationship, criticism and requests, while unpleasant, become material for discussion. However, in an unhealthy relationship, any remark is treated as an "attack" that threatens the other person's self-image. Consequently, the conversation shifts from the content of the issue to "why did you say it that way" or "how hurt I was."

Before you know it, even though your boundaries were the first to be violated, you're the one apologizing. If this happens repeatedly, it's not just a simple misunderstanding; you need to reassess the structure of the relationship.

Sign 2: Dominating Conversations with Self-Pity

Covert narcissists sometimes draw attention not through boasting but through "lamenting."

"I'm always at a loss."
"No one understands me."
"Everyone else is fortunate, but I'm the only one unrewarded."

These words initially sound like sharing pain. Indeed, everyone has days when they want to vent. The problem is when it always becomes one-sided.

Even if you talk about being tired, they respond with, "I'm having a harder time." If you report a success, they change the mood with, "It's nice that you're fortunate." What was supposed to be your time to share your worries turns into time comforting them.

On social media, such experiences often garner strong empathy. In forums and comment sections, reactions like "I thought I was sharing my worries, but it always turned into their tales of misfortune" and "I wanted to help, but before I knew it, my life was being drained" stand out.

It's important to note that self-pity itself isn't inherently bad. When people are struggling, they sometimes protect their hearts by feeling sorry for themselves. However, if it constantly takes away the other person's attention and makes their emotions secondary, it disrupts the balance of the relationship.

Sign 3: Manipulating While Showing Weakness

"I'm easily hurt."
"I've had terrible experiences in the past."
"That's why I want you to understand."

These words can be expressions of trust because showing one's vulnerability takes courage.

However, if vulnerability is disclosed too quickly, too heavily, or used to place responsibility on the other person, caution is needed. In social media anecdotes, some mention that they were overwhelmed with past wounds early in the relationship and felt like "I might be the only one who can support this person." What initially seemed like a deep bond was later pointed out as an entry point that made it psychologically difficult to escape.

Of course, not everyone who talks about their past is manipulative. Many people sincerely share their wounds. The difference appears in the subsequent relationship.

Does the other person take an interest in your stories? Do they respect your decisions when you say no? Do they understand your time and limits? Do they refrain from trying to control your actions using their struggles as a reason?

Vulnerability can deepen trust or become chains that bind the other person. What you should discern is not the sadness of the words but whether those words are narrowing your freedom.

Sign 4: Quietly Undermining Others' Success

Covert narcissists might not overtly show competitiveness. However, when someone other than themselves is praised, the atmosphere changes.

You've been promoted, praised, or gotten closer to your dreams. At such times, they should ideally be happy for you. But what you get in return are words like, "But it will be tough," "You were lucky," or "I don't even get such opportunities."

Each reaction is small, making it hard to blame them. But as they accumulate, you stop expressing your joy. You start feeling guilty about sharing good news in front of them.

This is extremely draining because not being able to rejoice freely in relationships means underestimating your own life.

On social media, reactions like "Whenever I talk about success, they always dampen it" and "I started hiding good things to avoid provoking them" are not uncommon. Many people say they lost self-esteem not from flashy attacks but from the accumulation of such small denials.

The Empathy and Simultaneous Risks Spreading on Social Media

 

The term "covert narcissist" spreads easily on social media. The reason is clear: many people finally find words for the suffering they couldn't name.

"So that's what it was."
"I thought it was my fault."
"I couldn't leave because I thought they were a weak person."

Such reactions provide significant support for those who have suffered. Psychological manipulation and boundary violations are hard to see from the outside. Even when consulting others, they might say, "Isn't the other person struggling too?" or "Aren't you overthinking it?" Therefore, it's natural for people to find solace in posts from those with similar experiences.

However, there are also risks with psychological terms on social media.

Words like "narcissist," "gaslighting," "trauma," and "boundaries" are now frequently used in everyday conversations. While they help explain problems, they can also become weapons to silence others. If someone is labeled as "pathological" just for being slightly self-centered, disagreeing, or becoming emotional, it can destroy dialogue.

This duality is also reflected in social media reactions. While some experienced individuals say, "I wish I had known earlier," others express caution, saying, "We're labeling too many people as narcissists these days," "Diagnosis should be left to professionals," and "Labeling can make you overlook your own faults."

Thus, when dealing with this theme, it's important to use words not as "verdicts" but as "tools for self-protection and observation."

Observe Your Own Changes Before Trying to Identify Others

An amateur cannot definitively determine if someone is truly a covert narcissist. However, you can observe how you are changing within that relationship.

You find it harder to express your opinions than before.
You start predicting their moods and acting accordingly.
You refrain from sharing joyful news.
You feel intense guilt every time you say no.
You feel exhausted after meeting them every time.
You prioritize their sensitivity over your own emotions.

If you notice these changes, it's more important to focus on the impact of the relationship on you rather than the diagnosis of the other person.

In human relationships, understanding the other person's suffering is important. However, understanding and continuously sacrificing yourself are different. Even if the other person is genuinely hurt, it doesn't justify hurting you.

How to Maintain Distance

When dealing with a covert narcissistic person, trying to persuade them with logic can be exhausting. This is because the focus of the conversation quickly shifts to their sensitivity.

What is effective is not judging the other person's character but communicating your boundaries briefly and concretely.

"We can't have a discussion if you speak that way."
"Let's end this conversation for today."
"I can't take responsibility for that."
"There are times when I can't be reached."
"It's tough to be in a relationship where my success is denied."

The key is not to try too hard to change the other person. Ideally, they would understand, but even if they don't, you can decide your actions.

Also, you don't need to save them with all your might every time they get depressed. A relationship connected by guilt may seem affectionate, but in the long run, it can cause suffering for both parties. Empathy is important, but you must not lose yourself in the name of empathy.

Not About "Finding Villains," But "Regaining Yourself"

The difficulty with this theme is that harm and victimhood, weakness and control, sympathy and manipulation cannot be neatly separated. People with covert narcissistic tendencies may themselves harbor strong internal anxieties, shame, and abandonment fears. However, this doesn't mean those around them should endure indefinitely.

The important thing is not to label someone as a "bad person," but to regain where your heart is being worn down.

Some may encounter this term on social media and think, "That's about that person." At the same time, others might worry, "Maybe I have those traits too." In either case, there's no need to rush to a conclusion.

One thing is certain: in a healthy relationship, your emotions are valued as much as the other person's. If you respect their wounds, your wounds should also be respected. If you consider their past, your present should also be protected.

The true value of the term "covert narcissist" may not be in judging others but in realizing, "It's okay to feel like I'm struggling."

Source URL

Reference BRIGITTE.de for characteristics of covert narcissism, four signs, and coping methods.
https://www.brigitte.de/liebe/persoenlichkeit/psychologie--4-subtile-signale--an-denen-verdeckte-narzissten-erkennst--14084134.html

Refer to Mayo Clinic for general medical information on symptoms, causes, diagnosis, and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20366690

Refer to Merck Manuals for medical explanations on diagnosis, characteristics, and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder.
https://www.merckmanuals.com/home/mental-health-disorders/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder
https://www.merckmanuals.com/en-ca/professional/psychiatric-disorders/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

Refer to the American Psychiatric Association for an overview of the definition and prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder.
https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/what-is-narcissistic-personality-disorder

Refer to Verywell Mind / Verywell Health for general characteristics of vulnerable