While being a good person, I disappeared — Something to consider before trying harder: the small question of "Whose life is it?"

Once work settles down, let's start doing what we love. When the family no longer needs our constant attention, let's have our own time. When we gain a little more confidence, let's express our true feelings.

All of these sound like reasonable plans. In reality, there are circumstances that prevent immediate action. However, beyond that "just a little more," isn't there another condition waiting?

When one job is finished, new responsibilities arise. When you meet someone's expectations, they assume you can do it again. Thus, your schedule continues to fill up, while your own desires never make it onto the agenda.

The introduction of an article published by the German newspaper WELT on September 28, 2026, addresses the issue of spending many years living according to others' expectations and realizing it too late. The article features psychologist Franca Cerutti and poses the question of whether we are waiting for a sign that our real life is about to begin.

"What you chose" and "what you wanted" are not necessarily the same

A life aligned with others' expectations is not necessarily a life forced upon you by someone else.

For example, a job chosen for its stability. A path decided to reassure your parents. A role accepted because it's hard to explain why you can't. Each of these choices has understandable reasons.

The problem lies not in the choices themselves, but in the belief that you cannot choose again.

A work style that once suited you may no longer fit. A role you once gladly accepted may become a burden. Just because your feelings have changed doesn't mean past choices were wrong.

Here, I would like to make the question more specific.

"Even if no one praises me, would I still want to continue this?"

There's no need to answer everything immediately. There are jobs you continue for the sake of living expenses and responsibilities you fulfill to support others. However, if you can articulate the difference between your hopes and what you do out of necessity, you can see what you might want to change.

When "getting better" becomes a reason not to rest

Utilizing morning time. Taking care of your body. Learning new things. These efforts enrich your life.

However, what you started for enjoyment can sometimes become a tool for self-assessment.

You can't relax on your days off unless you achieve something. Even though it's a hobby, it feels meaningless if you can't show improvement. Before meeting people, you feel you must lose more weight or be more successful.

When this happens, enjoyment becomes distant from the present because it turns into something you feel you shouldn't receive as you are now.

The question here is not whether to stop making efforts, but what kind of time those efforts will increase. If the efforts to spend peaceful time with loved ones are taking away from that time, it's okay to change the approach.

Consulting the "90-year-old you" in your heart

The concept introduced in Cerutti's book 'Die innere Oma' translates to "the inner grandmother" in Japanese.

According to the description by Piper Publishing, it involves imagining yourself at 90 years old and viewing your current life from a perspective of warmth and long-term insight. It's not about recreating the opinions of an actual grandmother, but creating a supportive, wise perspective within yourself.

If you apply this concept to daily life, it means considering, for example, "If I showed this week's schedule to my older self, what would they say is important?" This is a question considered in this article, not a quote from the book.

The answer might be to reduce work. Conversely, it might be to take on a job you've always wanted to challenge. Some might want to increase time with family, while others might want to preserve time alone.

Even imagining your future self won't yield a single correct answer. Nonetheless, it can be an opportunity to realize what you were trying to decide based solely on immediate evaluations.

On social media, "wanting to break free from expectations" and "being strict with one's own standards" coexist

This issue does not only appear in the words of experts.

On the online forum Reddit, a question was posted asking, "When did you stop caring about other people's expectations and start living for yourself?" One of the responses noted that since people have different personalities and desired lives, a single ideal cannot be applied to everyone.

On the other hand, some voices expressed that after prioritizing their own values, they felt more challenging tasks than when they followed others' expectations. In response, there were posts acknowledging that meeting one's own standards can be more difficult.

In another discussion on "how to handle the weight of other people's expectations," there were posts about practicing setting boundaries and making decisions without being overly influenced by others' thoughts.

These are not direct responses to the WELT article but individual posts on related themes. They do not represent a survey of societal opinions.

Nevertheless, they provide material for thought. Even if you aim to free yourself from others' expectations, there's a possibility that you might impose strict demands on yourself. Care must be taken not to turn the goal of "living a life true to oneself" into a new burden.

There are ways to choose again besides "quitting everything"

When thinking about reclaiming one's life, some might envision quitting jobs, moving, or ending relationships.

However, life involves rent, work contracts, and family commitments. There's no need to blame yourself for being unable to move forward by ignoring conditions that can't be changed by feelings alone.

Therefore, this article proposes three small adjustments you can try before making big decisions.

The first is not to respond immediately to requests. Take it home by saying, "I'll reply after checking my schedule." You can consider not only whether to accept but also when and to what extent you can do it.

The second is to turn postponed hopes into small plans. If you want to travel someday, start by researching one destination. If you want to resume playing an instrument, touch it for just ten minutes. Even without significant achievements, the time you chose remains.

The third is not to bear your current burdens alone and to consult specifically. If saying "I can't do it anymore" doesn't lead to progress, indicate the changes you want, like "I want to free up this time once a week" or "I want to share this task."

Of course, consulting doesn't guarantee your wishes will come true. Still, it's better to create a starting point for adjustments than to continue treating your hopes as nonexistent.

You don't have to blame your past self

Realizing you've prioritized others' expectations might make you feel that the years until now were wasted.

However, at that time, you made choices based on the information and conditions you had. It might have been for a secure life or to protect someone important.

There's no need to think about the future to deny the past.

The roles you've taken on until now had meaning. On top of that, it's okay to have different uses for your future time. Thinking this way allows you to choose your next step without discarding the path you've walked.

Before responding to someone's request today, check your own schedule. Touch on something you've wanted to try for just ten minutes. Send a short message to someone you couldn't contact due to busyness.

It doesn't have to be an event that makes you feel your life has changed. Create one moment today that you can think, "I chose this myself." You don't have to wait for a day when everything is perfect for that.

Sources

1. WELT / Dietgard Stein, September 28, 2026. Interview article with Franca Cerutti.
   https://www.welt.de/iconist/gesellschaft/plus6aa81c621e576e6f7a14d3e4/psychologie-man-merkt-erst-spaet-dass-man-nach-den-vorstellungen-anderer-gelebt-hat.html

2. Piper Publishing introduction of 'Die innere Oma'. The concept of imagining yourself at 90 years old and confirming author information.
   https://www.piper.de/buecher/die-innere-oma-isbn-978-3-492-61505-1-ebook

3. Reddit / r/AskWomen "When did you stop caring about other people’s expectations and start living for yourself?" Summary of individual posts about others' expectations and personal standards. Not a direct reaction to the original article.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/1rm8ng1/when_did_you_stop_caring_about_other_peoples/

4. Reddit / r/AskWomen "How do you handle the weight of other peoples expectations of you?" Summary of individual posts about setting boundaries and the difficulty of self-judgment. Not a direct reaction to the original article.
   https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/slsb6c/