The outcome of a first date is determined by "a word to a third party": "Sincerity, kindness, and friendship" are the ultimate green flags.

In recent years, "red flags" in dating and relationships have been discussed not only in terms of personal ethics but also within the context of "empathy" and "controversy" spread through social media. A recent British survey reported on October 9, 2025 (local time), reveals a clear yet insightful trend: women view "bad manners" as a strong red flag, while men place greater emphasis on "appearance." Additionally, a common point emerged where both men and women rank **"honesty," "kindness," and "friendship"** as top "green flags" (positive signs). The Independent

1. Numbers Reveal "Division" and "Consensus"

According to the report, a survey of over 2,000 young adults in the UK found that 57% of women identified "bad manners" as a red flag. In contrast, 43% of men showed a difference in the degree of importance placed on it. Conversely, those who answered that "good looks" are "very important" were 35% of men and 23% of women. Furthermore, the percentage of those who view "intelligence" as a green flag is **40% for men and 37% for women, showing only a small difference here. Notably, "honesty," "kindness," and "friendship"** were the top green flags shared by both genders.The Independent

These results, consistent across multiple media outlets including PA distribution, suggest that while the classic stereotypes of "women valuing manners" and "men valuing appearance" are not entirely affirmed, the emphasis on the axis of "basic courtesy" vs. "first impressions" tends to diverge between genders. This reaffirms that there is a tendency for differences.The Standard

2. The "Red Flag Discussion" Visualized on Social Media

On social media, such topics circulate as a **"map of empathy." For example, on Reddit, posts that consider "lack of communication skills, extreme jealousy, and disrespect towards others" as immediate disqualifiers continue to gain support, and the perspective that **"an independent woman" and "courtesy and consideration" can coexist** is also prevalent.Reddit

On the other hand, for men, "profile red flags" include excessive filter photos, directing to social media accounts, and photos that do not hide children's faces, which are listed as reasons for "left swipes," indicating that signals measuring "honesty and open communication" are emphasized.Reddit

Additionally, voices declaring **"not a boyfriend but an exclusive relationship" as the greatest red flag** can be heard, and the backlash against behavior that seeks emotional responsibility while keeping the definition of the relationship ambiguous is spreading with the unique "verbalization" of the social media era.Reddit

3. Why Are Women Sensitive to "Manners"?—Safety, Respect, Public Sphere

The strong emphasis women place on manners is rooted in the **"vulnerability to threats to safety and security" both online and offline. National surveys in the UK also report that women have higher anxiety about being targeted for online harm (misogyny, stalking, unsolicited explicit images, etc.) compared to men, and are more often forced into self-defense "safety work." "Attitudes" and "behavior" in the public sphere are easily reinterpreted as indicators of safety and respect in private domains—hence, the heightened sensitivity to "bad manners as early signs of a landmine."arXiv

4. Is Men's Emphasis on "First Impressions" Unchanging?

The tendency for men to relatively emphasize appearance is supported not only by evolutionary psychology and social psychology but also by platform design (photo-centric UI). On social media, viral trends such as "red nails are attractive" and "pearl earrings are a turn-off" spark discussions due to their extreme expressions, reaffirming the existence of "appearance bias." While the truth is mixed, as long as algorithms amplify "momentary preferences," the overemphasis on first impressions remains a design challenge for platforms.New York Post

5. The Intersection of "Courtesy" and "First Impressions"—Implementing "Green Flags"

The survey revealed that both men and women strongly agree on **"honesty," "kindness," and "friendship." Although these three points seem abstract, they actually translate into **observable and verifiable behavioral indicators in initial meetings and early dating. For example—

• Consideration for third parties: Attitudes towards store clerks, taxi drivers, and neighboring customers. "Kind only to oneself" is a classic red flag.The Independent

• Cooperative conversation: Whether questions and listening are reciprocated. Not being absorbed by smartphone notifications.

• Respect for boundaries: Agreement on taboo topics, physical contact, and frequency of communication.

• Adherence to small promises: Punctuality, proposals for payment and splitting the bill, planning for next time.

These also serve as a checklist to **concretize "manners" and relativize the excessive weight of first impressions**.

6. "Red Flags" as Social Media "Controversy Studies"—Recording, Sharing, Norms

In the mid-2010s, Instagram's "Bye Felipe" gained attention by "visualizing" insulting messages women received on dating apps. Since then, the screenshot culture has exposed "boundary-crossing behavior" to the public sphere, forming deterrents and community norms.Wikipedia

At the same time, the more an output aims for "virality," the greater the risk that even gray-area behavior will be caught up in "exposure." How to handle **"fragments of private life placed in the public sphere"**—this ethics also reflects back on **each of our "manners of expression."**

7. How to Read Surveys to Avoid "Shifting the Argument"

Finally, a methodological note. The numbers in this survey are a cross-sectional observation primarily targeting young adults in the UK. Interpretations may vary with different cultural spheres and ages, and the definitions of "appearance" and "manners" are context-dependent. Rather than essentializing "gender differences,"

1. **confirming the "common foundation" of agreement points (honesty, kindness, friendship)**

2. and bridging the gap in differences (courtesy vs. first impressions) with a design for initial communication—this two-pronged approach is likely to be practically beneficial.
   The Independent
   
   

Appendix: Practical Checklist (First Date Edition)

Before the Date

• Lightly share each other's boundaries (topics, drinking, return time) in advance

• Verbalize in advance

  the meeting place, transportation, and payment policy (splitting the bill, alternating)

During the Date

• Prioritize the conversation in front of you over smartphone notifications

• Assume that your attitude towards store clerks and third parties is "being watched" by your partner

• Explore value mismatches with humor (respect the partner's NGs)

After the Date

• Send a short thank you message and a clear plan for the next meeting (including acceptance or refusal)

• Avoid creating "ambiguous exclusive relationships" (share the definition of the relationship)Reddit
  
  

Voices from Social Media (Excerpt & Summary)

• "Rudeness, disregard for others, and excessive jealousy" are "immediate disqualifiers"—emphasizing communication skills and respect for the partner.Reddit

• Men's "Profile Red Flags": excessive filters, directing to social media, careless posting of children's photos, elements that suggest a lack of honesty.Reddit

• "Exclusive but not a lover" type of ambiguous relationships are